PALM BEACH, FL – On the eve of the season’s first major, another steroid scandal has rocked sports. This time: golf. But not the actual players on tour. This scandal involves someone close to them, their trustee sidekicks, their bagman – their caddies.
According to an unnamed website, as the Masters tees off from Augusta tomorrow, a golf insider/whistleblower has scheduled a presser to come forward with a list of names and evidence, that some of the sports’s biggest stars’ caddies, have juiced.
Could it be Tiger’s caddie Stevie? Phil’s caddie Bones? Or any of the countless others we don¹t know the names of because they¹re (ahem) caddies?
Already the blowback has begun. Said one tour professional, ŒIts not fair if one guy’s caddie is clean, and the other guy’s caddie is raking the trap with twice the muscle mass. It makes a huge difference.
Added Dr. Bill Mitchell, professor of sports medicine at the Aruba Sports Medicine institute, “An average caddie wipes down his boss’ golf ball 72 times a tourney. Think about the reduced recovery time of a caddie on performance enhancing drugs. He could shave 2-3 seconds off his wash, over the course of a 4-day tournament. That’s a time savings of, I may have said this, 2-3 seconds.”
Is not sport sacred? Is nothing pure anymore, aside from Wrestling, Track, and Bodybuilding? This reporter wants to know where it ends. If I can’t trust the guys throwing grass in the air on a fairway to gauge wind, I may have to stop following sports and become an WNBA fan.
For more comedyntary, check out http://www.dailyballbreakers.com/ (real guys holding sports accountable).