NEW YORK, NY – No doubt that most in America have heard of the NCAA tournament, if not gotten involved in an office pool, online contest, or friendly wager. Even President Obama filled out a bracket, where (true to Democratic form) he picked a ‘blue state school’ to win it, North Carolina. ESPN covered Bam’s picks with a segment called ‘Barack-otology’.
What most don’t know, however, is that the tourney has always been global, and the world’s foremost leaders and tyrants also get a case of March Madness.
Former British PM Tony Blair notoriously always picked Duke for his Final Four, noting it ‘seemed like the English thing to do’. Pol Pot may have been a brutal leader, but that basketball savant once won a small fortune with Indiana in ’76. And departed dictator Saddam Hussein once reportedly imprisoned every mid-major in his Army after heavily favored Arizona lost to a Colonial Conference team in the 2nd round.
And this year is no different. According to anonymous sources found on a college blog, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il (a noted NBA fan) is having a helluva run in this year’s tourney, with 15 of 16 teams still alive, and his entire Final Four intact. Said Kim, through an unconfirmed spokesman, “That Louisville game almost f***ed me. And thank your ill-chosen God that I picked Zona.”
When pressed on how sports might help thaw relations between North Korea and US, Kim hesitated, and then conceded, “If Pitt beats Memphis in the final… I promise I’ll stop nuclear testing for at least a week. See, I’m not unreasonable.”
Then, when asked if he would attend this year’s championship game in Detroit, if he had a shot to win, the little ball of hate replied, “Pyongyang is no treat, but it’s better than Motown. Oh, and as to will I win my pool? I’m the supreme commander, I always win.”
Kim continued, but his response was muffled by the maniacal laughter that all tyrants must have.