SAN DIEGO – The Padres, two games out for the wild card, decided to sell their souls to the devil.
In a press release issued today, San Diego Padres owner John Moores announced that he had signed a contract with Satan, guaranteeing his team a spot in the MLB playoffs. He offered up the souls of every man on his roster.
The Padres are three games behind the San Francisco Giants in their race for the National League West title and two games behind the Atlanta Braves for a wildcard berth. Their only chance of making the playoffs is by sweeping the Giants in a three-game series.
“We had no other choice,” said Padres manager Bud Black. “We tried everything else: praying, seances, bribing the umpires. Hell, we even tried to recruit Ph.D. Ape to help us out, but he was busy with the Knicks.
In the end, we knew we had to turn to a higher power. Jesus doesn’t make guarantees so we turned to a lower power that could get us the results we needed: Satan.”
The terms of the contract are as follows: in exchange for a National League postseason berth, each and every member of the 2010 San Diego Padres will have to spend the eternity being tortured mercilessly in the unending fires of Hell – they will have to watch soccer all day, every day.
The contract was signed this morning at Major League Baseball’s headquarters in New York City. Every member of the San Diego Padre’s 36 man roster was in attendance to sign his soul to the devil. Satan was there too, appearing in the form of Commissioner Bud Selig.
“Teams have been selling making deals with the devil for decades,” explained baseball historian Pete Willsbrood. “Baseball and Satan are practically business partners. How do you think the Yankees make the playoffs every year? Because of sissy-boys like Derek Jeter and A-Rod? No way. They sell their souls to the devil, that’s how.”
Though the contract does not guarantee a World Series win, Padres players are optimistic about their postseason chances.
“This is the edge we’ve looking for,” said second-baseman David Eckstein. “So expect to see some 800 ft. home runs and 150 mile-per-hour fastballs. Steroids are one thing, but with Satan on our side, we’re looking to take cheating to a whole new level.”
“It was a team decision,” said Padres first-baseman Adrian Gonzalez. “We all felt that just one little taste of the 2010 post-season would be worth the endless misery of a lifetime in Hell. And besides, Hell can’t be any worse than playing in San Diego, right?”
The San Diego Padres, who have never won a World Series, last appeared in the postseason in 2006. However, they were later disqualified after umpires discovered that pitcher Jake Peavy was actually a robot.
Satan was hoping the Padres would face the Angels in the World Series – but he’d be happy to have the Padres play the Rays because they dropped the “Devil” from their name.
[story filed by intrepid WWN reporter: Brian Zimmerman]