VANCOUVER – Apolo Ohno and Bode Miller have broken records and shocked experts with their Olympic performances. Mutating gamma radiation is suspected to have been used.
Ohno and Miller have won a total of 27 medals in various Olympic events. This is a record number of medals for one country in the Winter Olympics. Miller took home the gold in men’s Super Combined, one downhill plus one slalom. Then he went on to take bronze in the men’s Mega Combined, which is one downhill plus two slaloms three and a blindfolded ski jump. He took home another gold in the men’s Ultra Combined, which is two downhills, three slaloms, four vodka shooters, and a fistfight with a bear. He beat out the highly favored Russian team in this event. Apollo Ohno has won 18 medals in various speed skating trials. At the 500 meters Ohno had enough time to do a victory lap, then make a cappucino and present it to the silver medalist as he crossed the finish line. Miller and Ohno are highly favored in the upcoming mens Competitive Snowman. All medals won will be melted down and used to fund future Olympic teams.
These exceptional accomplishments are now marred by scandal. Miller and Ohno are believed to have been using performance enhancing gamma radiation. Rumors are circulating that the two have mutated their way to Olympic glory. Last week during a standard training the two became angered at coaches, turned green and threw their bowflexes into a nearby lake. The US Olympic team officially denies all claims that any of their athletes have been intentionally mutated. “That’s Malarky!” says head coach Paul Swizzel. “Pure horse-puckey every bit of it! Why my boys are just as clean and healthy as the driven snow! No crazy performance enhancing chemicals or radiation here I tell ya!”
Scientists, however, tend to disagree. Dr. Salomon Vasloo of the Vancouver Science Institute confirms “What we are seeing here is beyond human capacity. These are not men, they are more like the heroes of legend. Prime physical specimens capable of feats beyond those of mortal man. Only science could imbue such gifts, such that the gods of old either can’t or won’t. Praise be to Science! Amen.”
Whether their medals will be revoked depends on a pending drug tests for Miller and Ohno.