ORLANDO, FL – Tiger Woods will finally come out of hiding and break his silence. For a solid five minutes!
After three months of complete silence, the Tiger Woods camp will address the public. They will focus on the quality and not the quantity, as they will speak for a jam packed five minutes. The camp thought about hiring one of those really fast talking people that do auctions, but they figured that wouldn’t be professional.
On the agenda, will be Tiger publicly apologizing for his out of control philandering and announce his imminent return to golf. Tiger has selected a few lucky reporters to attend his appearance at PGA Tour headquarters in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fl. WWN correspondent, Biff Olspersson, has managed to be included in the select few.
Some things never change though, such as Tiger’s “control-freak” side, as he has said that he will not field any questions.
“Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he plans to apologize for his behavior,” said a statement from Tiger’s management team. If his return to golf is imminent, Tiger is setting himself up for a return at the Masters tournament in April.
“While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of people who were close to him,” the management team also said.
Biff, through intense investigation, has discovered another talking point within the conference. It is suspected that Tiger will announce that he will convert to Muslim. A religion that will allow him to have multiple wives. If that’s the case, Las Vegas should be seeing some increased business from Tiger Woods.
Biff has also reported that the Tiger Woods camp will wear electric dog collars that will activate after five minutes. In a precautionary move, Tiger and his supporters will be made painfully aware if they surpass their allotted five minutes.