NEW YORK – Aliens have visited space shuttle Enterprise, and left evidence behind to prove it.

As NASA officials stationed at JFK were preparing the prototype shuttle for its final home at Manhattan’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum, they discovered what they are calling “foreign material” on board. Engineers and NASA officials were unwilling to go record, but sources confirm that the material is of an extraterrestrial nature.

A security guard at the JFK hangar where Enterprise is being stored explained the scene as the NASA crew made its discovery. “They had on HAZMAT suits and were bringing out all these high-tech Ziploc bags with stuff in them. I saw some moss-looking stuff come out, and some metal tool-looking pieces. They were all complaining about the smell. Apparently, whatever was in there left a mess. The scientist was like, maybe they were trying to catch a ride home or something. But you know, they picked the wrong shuttle.”

Samples have been shipped to the Kennedy Space Center in Florida and are currently undergoing analysis by staff cosmochemists.

Paul Ebrim, director of Intrepid exhibits, expects the shuttle’s arrival at the museum to be delayed by at least one month due to the discovery.

Enterprise never ventured to space, serving only as the NASA prototype.

NEW YORK -  Authorities are dealing with a unique health in Manhattan:  wild possum are terrorizing residents!

Wild possum have been spotted all over Manhattan and have attacked numerous residents – many who have been taken to New York hospitals and treated for multiple possum bites, rabies and several other possum-related diseases.

A number of possum have been spotted on subways – particularly the D, F and B trains.  Strangely, though the possums have only been spotted in Manhattan, so they seem to get off the trains before heading to Queens or Brooklyn.

Last straphangers on the D train were shocked to see a herd of possum attacking an elderly man.  “They was chewing on his face and hands.  We tried to beat them off, but there was too many of them and they was attacking everybody after that,” said Rodney Williams of Manhattan.

Authorities captured a few of the creatures and brought them back to the crime lab in Manhattan.  “We had a tough time identifying them at first.  Some of us thought they were big rats, but then we knew they were possum, but we debated for hours whether they were possum or opossum.”    One NYPD officer told WWN that the he was instructed that the “white devil” opossums were more deadly and dangerous than the regular darker skinned possum.  “We want all citizens to look out for the white devils.”

The intrepid marsupials are sneaky.  They usually curl up under seats, close radiator, and seem to like the “feel” of moving trains.  Here’s a photo taken after an entire D train was attacked.

Opossums tend to like trees. They are not big burrowers, although they have been known to venture below ground in search of food or warmth. And unlike rats or pigeons, they do not commonly carouse within the city’s mass transit system.

But the opossum, as it turns out, is a nomadic creature — and if they feel “threatened”, they will attack.  “We think they are more dangerous than the Honey Badger,” said Marsupial Specialist, Tanya Redmondi.

Officials from New York Animal Control are inundated with “possum sightings” and are trying to keep up with the calls.  “We have asked the federal government for help,” said Amir Blasov from Animal Control.  “They said they would be sending help and have the National Guard ready to roll in and protect our citizens.”

Beware the possum!

A intrepid group of adventurers are on a mission in Montana. The target:  dinosaurs.

WWN reader James Robinson is leading a group of brave souls into the wilds of Montana to find Dinosaurs.

WWN can confirm there have been a number of recent reports of many dinosaur bones found in Montana – and some of the bones are only a few years old!

He writes:

“I am leading a group of 6 very brave men into the wilds of Montana (well at least a 30,000 acre ranch in the southwestern part of the state) with 2 paleontologists from Montana State University in search of dinosaurs. The ranch dates to the cretaceous period, 65 million years ago, and the end of the Dinosaur era.

Paleontolgists consider Montana a site of a “gold rush” in dinosaur research and many feel that they may actually find present-day dinosaurs roaming the Montana landscape.

Follow the Robinson crew on twitter : http://twitter/#!/bonedoggle

WWN Japanese Reporter takes footage inside Tokyo Apple Store during the earthquake.

If you thought it was harrowing trying to get an iPad2, check our exclusive footage of the Tokyo Apple store during the quake.  Supplied by our Japanese bureau.

Donate to help Japanese Earthquake victims.

Visit WWN Japan. Dr. Taxi is the head if our intrepid bureau.

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-T…

J-Train: Would you be Friends with Lebron James?

The Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions and all is right with the world. The sun has shined brighter. Music sounds better. Even the touch of your scary uncle feels softer. Good triumphed over evil – The Miami Heat have been thwarted, praise the Lord. America cheered so hard against Lebron James that it seemed personal. One of my friends even started calling him Daddy and kept yelling at the TV, “Why did you leave Mom?!” So I thought, sure, I get it, the guy is arrogant and thinks he’s bigger than the sport he plays, and better than any fan watching at home (spoiler alert: he is), but would I ever be friends with Lebron? Like everything in life, there are, of course, some Pros and Cons:

- Needy: He needed south beach. He needed Dwyane Wade. He needed Chris Bosh. Sounds like a guy who needs me to help him move. CON 

- Didn’t go to college: I never have to worry about meeting Lebron’s friends who talk about the changing political spectrum and the value of a Roth IRA. Also, anytime Lebron asks me a question like – “what’s political mean?” I get to answer him with – “they teach that in college” as I pat him gently on his head. Then I’ll explain to him that college grads, on average, make one million more dollars in their career than non-grads. PRO

- People think He’s Great: Scottie Pippen (much like everyone else) keeps talking about how awesome a player Lebron is even though he’s never won the big one. Have you ever had a friend who’s good looking but has no personality? Everyone you meet keeps talking about how good looking that friend is and all you can think about is how he introduces himself with a limp dead-fish handshake and a murmur of a hello. Then you start to hate that friend, not because he isn’t a nice guy, but because everyone else can’t get past his great looks to realize his horrible personality. And then your Ex sleeps with him? That’s Lebron. CON

- He has an “interesting” Mom: Lebron’s Mom has been in the headlines quite a bit. She’s been arrested for drug possession (party animal) and it’s rumored she had a romantic encounter with Lebron’s former Teammate, Delonte West (hot). A guy with a Mom like that has to be a great time at a party and I kind of have a thing for older sassy black women. PRO

- He hates Cleveland: The most upsetting thing to Cleveland, I think, is this – he went to Miami. Had he gone to Chicago, or New York, at least they could tell themselves that he’s going to play in a larger market, with passionate fans and great tradition.  But no, he went to Miami, where people barely look up from their cocaine piles long enough to learn what a double team is (it’s a movie starring Dennis Rodman and Van Damme). So essentially, Bron-bron said, that – all basketball considerations aside – he just likes Miami better. That’s a pretty rude awakening, delivered to 800,000 knuckle-dragging Clevelanders on national TV.  Cleveland can pat themselves on the back all they want and claim it’s ‘a working-class city with good people and passionate fans,’ but we all know that means it’s ‘a bankrupt, industrial shell of a city with ugly people that have nothing to do but scream at their TV’s.’ I’m with King James on this one. PRO

- He can’t close: If he can’t score in the 4th quarter how do you think he does at the bar right before closing time? Imagine you and him talking up a couple of ladies and the bartender yells, “last call”. Now your trying to move the group home and he starts talking about Call of Duty, eating pizza, and erectile dysfunction. Lebron probably asks girls why they aren’t buying him drinks. CON

Final Verdict: Lebron has a friend in J-Train! Sleeping with one of my friend’s Mom is one of my tougher bucket-list items.

You’re Welcome,

Train.
Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train….

J-train: 5 Mistakes Anthony Weiner Made

Every week there seems to be a new scandal involving naked pictures. Last week I had to put the whole Blake Lively matter to rest and now we got a U.S. Representative showing off his ‘district’. I don’t know why the thought of a middle aged guy sending pictures of himself over the Internet to young girls is surprising; to me, this was about as shocking as the sun rising or a divorced guy wearing a Fedora. The real shocking part here is that we still don’t know how to send a good picture of our genitals over the Internet without getting caught. Here are 5 major mistakes that Anthony made:

Never Show your Face- The whole “picture of your private parts” game is based off of two things: plausible deniability and showing an attractive girl, whom you care deeply for, the least attractive part of your body. Brett Favre knew this and that’s why I’m the only one who remembers his scandal (along with his wife). Sending your package over the Internet should be a romantic, caring act, but putting your face in the photo is a pathetic attention grab (and also incriminating).  Just send your penis, otherwise you might seem sleazy.

Never Use Social Networking- Mr. Weiner used the same twitter account he uses to update his constituents about the new zoning laws as he did to send pictures of his ZONING LAWS IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (read: Penis). This was a bad move. Every guy in this day and age should have three cell phones: one for home, one for work, and one for “Sexting” pics.

Never Be Fully Erect - ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’ If you throw out the whole shebang in a single tweet, what does a girl have to look forward to? You should be working a chubby – enlarged, but not lifted – so if it leaks to the press, you can claim that what they’re seeing is actually flaccid. Then people will be like, ‘whoa, just imagine.’  Had Weiner done this, he probably wouldn’t have been outed until after he had an indiscriminate, ill-advised, extramarital affair with someone he met on Twitter.

Own It – Anthony came out with the ‘dog ate my homework’ of excuses, claiming it was ‘hackers’ who took over his twitter account. Sure, ‘hackers’ took time off from stealing millions of dollars from nerds’ Playstation Network accounts to tarnish the reputation of some low level New York Representative. This is obvious east coast egoism at it’s boldest. He should own it, go full ‘movie bad guy’ with this and just sit in Congress, constantly tweeting pics of his junk, voting against everything, and starting every filibuster with, ‘In mother Russia…’

Don’t Be An Idiot - Dude met these girls ON TWITTER. I mean, c’mon. This is a step away from having a group of ‘World of Warcraft’ groupies. Ever hear of a bar? It’s a much better place to cheat on your pregnant wife.

Here’s the thing, the game of “Sexting” is new and the older generations need to learn the rules so they don’t ruin it for their children (legitimate and illegitimate alike). I fear a world where the public outrage from “Sexting” gets so bad that women stop being romanced by horribly lit pictures of my Man-Region. Anthony Weiner broke the rules and now he is paying the price of public humiliation. So to any older men who are looking to join the “Sexting” revolution remember, stay anonymous, be classy, and look “chubby”.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train….

J-Train: Blake Lively Photos Are Fake

When nude photos of what is allegedly Blake Lively surfaced on the web yesterday, the Internet almost broke and my local convenient store ran out of both moisturizer and tissue paper. It was almost too much; she’s a perfect ten, a leggy, full-breasted woman with a breathy whisper and a kitten smile that seems to say, ‘send me more of those hair dolls you’re so good at.’ If I was ever faced with being alone in a room with her naked, I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do (probably cry, and definitely leave my shirt on), so getting the voyeur shots in my inbox was, you know, very exciting.  The problem was that the more I looked at them (and looked at them…and looked at them…) the more I felt let down. Don’t get me wrong, the woman in those photos is very beautiful, and it very well could be Ms. Lively, but like a child with a toy rocket, I could only be disappointed. Over the short time I’ve known Blake Lively (I first saw her in the movie ‘Accepted’ with Justin Long, a terrible movie that I’ve seen four or five times), the idea of her nude has reached mythical proportions, the mystery of it all lending an air of impossible perfection – and while great men look at the stars and dream of God, I watch Gossip Girl and try to imagine the shape of her Areolae. So when I found out the pictures might not be real, I was secretly relieved my angel hadn’t yet fallen. And as I thought more about it, I realized that there’s no way that these photos are of Blake Lively, and here’s 4 reasons why:

Talent- Blake has talent. Sequels for movies about a pair of jeans don’t just happen because a chick is hot. They happen because she was able to make every girl in America believe that she actually lost her virginity in that first movie. Naked photos get leaked when a movie or show is about to premiere with a lesser talented starlet in the lead (see: Vanessa Hudgens, Paris Hilton, and Ray J). Now you’re saying – “The Green Lantern movie is coming out this summer!” Sure, but this movie is a mega-blockbuster made by rich and powerful executives. If these big-shot executives wanted a nude photo of Blake Lively leaked, there would be no questions; we would be looking at baby-making parts that should only be found in medical journals.

Career Arc- Hollywood careers are predictable and this doesn’t follow the script. Someday, when Blake Lively’s career is struggling, and Hollywood has cruelly taken away her ‘it-girl’ status, she will likely pop up naked somewhere: an ‘artistic’ photo shoot in Vogue; or a Prestige picture where the nudity ‘serves the story’ and is about ‘integrity’ (and tits). Blake Lively is not Lindsay Lohan, who’s desperation seems to demand she show up naked every week these days – not that I’m complaining, but nude photos and collagen are the last ditch effort of a woman who’s back is against the wall; and Lindsay’s back is against the wall – a Miami club bathroom wall, more specifically, with her legs up in the air.

Leonardo DiCaprio- Rumored boyfriend Leo DiCaprio wouldn’t allow a bunch of ‘mutant norms’ to lay eyes on what is rightfully his. Hopefully, his smoldering intensity causes his house to explode and the naked pictures of all the chicks he’s bedded ends up flying all over Los Angeles (this would be the day the Internet would ACTUALLY stop working).

End Of Days- Finally, because seeing Blake Lively nude would signal the apocalypse – it would be exactly like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where all the Nazi’s faces melted off – only I’d be masturbating while the skin dripped off my skull (I want that entire sentence written on my tombstone – just kidding, Mom…I’m not kidding, everyone else). But seriously, the world would end.

Blake, if you’re reading, I’m on your side and I believe the pictures are fake. Please, let’s just hold off on the naked pictures for now, because I’m not ready to die and the mortician isn’t ready to wipe the smile off of my face.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..

Dude Dating with J-Train: Fake Boobs and Set Ups

Q. What’s the deal with fake boobs? Guys always seem to say they want a girl with a nice set and can’t look away when a chick walks by with her obviously purchased pair (barely) bouncing around. So are they worth the investment or can a girl with a slightly smaller rack get a decent man too? – Ally McBeal, NY, NY

I like boobs. I like how they move, how they stay up, how they fall down, the size of the nipple, how babies can eat from them, how older men try to eat from them, how girls are turned on when you touch them, and how some girls aren’t turned on by that at all. Boobs are almost as mysterious and interesting to us as the vagina, but for whatever reason if we stare at someone’s crotch, we’re labeled ‘creepy,’ and who made you the mayor of decency? Huh? But we can stare at boobs anytime – no matter how big, small, fake, or real, and we stare and we stare.

Yet fake boobs seem to get the most attention. Big boobs in general have an undeniable hold on us; we want to touch them, flick them, spread maple syrup on them, invite them to prom – but when those boobs tend to have an unnatural ability to stay aloft, then things get really interesting. You see, we already have an fascination with breasts for sexual reasons; now add in the recognition that the shape of the breast seems to be impossible and then we just will look at them until it’s burned in our retinas.  Let me put it this way – imagine you saw two wizards fighting on the street, throwing magic fireballs at each other; You’d be pretty interested, right? Not exactly something you see every day, so the sheer unreality of it would draw you in.  Now imagine you also wanted to bang those wizards. That’s what fake boobs are like to guys – a really sexy magic wizard fight.

What I’m saying here is that even a wizard fight seems commonplace if you end up seeing it everyday – so if you buy fake boobs, understand that while you may get quite a few more stares from strangers, the guy you end up with will, over time, just see them and think ‘those are your boobs’ instead of ‘THOSE ARE YOUR BOOBS!’ So try loving the boobs you have, own your boobs, caress your boobs, rub maple syrup on your boobs (then send photos of that to me) because I’m sure their great…unless, they’re like, really small. Then you’re probably going to need that boob job.

Q. I got class with this major babe. We have shot each other a couple of glances but really nothing more. I was hoping to see her out at the bars around campus but I literally never see her anywhere. Do you have any ideas on how to start the conversation without sounding like I’ve been stalking her all semester? – John “Bluto” Blutarsky, Faber College

It’s the end of the semester so you have to make a move quickly. She’s probably been going to some nerdy Grad-student bar where they drink micro-brews and have sex through the Penis hole in their boxers. The goal is to get her to your Tequila soaked turf.

First: Be good looking – It’s always funny to me when a girl says: “some creepy guy just asked me out” and then I look at the “creep” and he looks like he swung in on a vine from his Gargoyle perch. ‘Creep’ in this scenario doesn’t actually mean that he’s ‘creepy,’ just ‘ugly.’ So take some time and have an honest conversation with the mirror. It’s why homeless people don’t go on many dates. They don’t have mirrors.

Second: Say- “Hi, I’m Bluto, we see each other every day in this class but I don’t think that we’ve actually ever met” - No cheesy lines in class. She’ll feel more uncomfortable than she does when she wears a low cut shirt and the teacher keeps calling on her.

Third: Follow up the small talk introduction with “you know, I cant believe I’ve never seen you out on the weekends”- Just stating a fact. A flattering fact being that you two have never really met and you’ve still noticed.

Fourth: Her move- She can say: “I don’t go out to bars on weekends” Then you know seeing her vagina before the semester ends is less likely then hearing an engineering major tell a good joke. Bail. Or she can say: “I’m out there, I guess we keep missing each other” Now the kitty-cat’s purring and she wants to play with that ball of yarn. Be the yarn.

Fifth: Say: “Lets exchange numbers. I’m going to be at (Specific Bar A) on Friday night. I’ll be with a big group of my friends. You and your friends should come hang out” - See what you did here. You got the number. You gave her a specific place. You said there would be a group. You invited her with a group. Now you’ve taken the creep out of the pick up because you’re just a guy with a big group of friends inviting a girl and her friends to come get nasty.

Sixth: Drink and Bone. She’s at your bar with your friends. The rest is up to you. Be the yarn.

Q. I had a really great blind date. He told the person that set us up that he had “an amazing time” and thanked her for introducing us. We went out again and had a good dinner. I felt we were having a good time, and it seemed he was too. I never heard from him again though. Did I do something? Why the positive feedback and then radio silence? – Regina Phallangy, Boston, MA

The radio silence is very normal. It’s what guys call – “The Phase-Out”. This is when we literally disappear from your world because we think it’s too soon for a break-up talk. Don’t worry he’s alive. Just check his Facebook wall, he’s clicked “attending” to an event called “Bert’s Big Birthday Boner”.

You and this guy weren’t meant to be and there isn’t anything wrong with that. The only thing you did wrong is that you listened to “The Match-Maker”. This person is friends with both of you and doesn’t want to hurt either side’s feelings. The Matchmaker got a report on the first date that was brutally honest and she had to lie so that she didn’t ruin your friendship. “Amazing time” could have been – “Yea, I’d bone her”. Then he went on the second date, didn’t lay wood, and moved on to Bert’s birthday where I’m sure any girl going to an event with such a name was fairly loose and had some awesome fake boobs.

You’re Welcome,

Train.

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..

Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!

Follow J-Train on Twitter … http://twitter.com/#!/jtrain5