Weekly World News

As Sarah Palin ends her governorship early, Weekly World News invites you to look back on her fascinating life.

Palin’s submission to Girls Gone Wild “Hot Babes in the Arctic Cold” was rejected because the Governor seemed to misunderstand the purpose of the video.  Instead of lifting her shirt up, she pulled it down to better show off the quirky slogan printed on the front.

Palin’s professional basketball career ended after only one game wherein rather than blocking the other team, she followed behind the player with the ball doing her best impression of a football referee confirming a touchdown.

Before rampaging through the streets of New York in 1984, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man spent his infancy with Palin in the juice aisle of a Wasilla grocery store.

The 2008 Presidential election coverage focused heavily on Palin’s light resume, which included second runner-up in the 1987 Stevie Nicks lookalike contest.

After her report on the Iditarod consisted only of “There were lots of dogs,” Palin’s girlhood dreams of being a newscaster came crashing to an end.

Palin’s string of electoral successes began when she caught the Magic Wishing Fish of Imaiknik Lake in 1992.

Although never confirmed, it is believed that shortly before Election Day 2008, daughter Bristol’s boyfriend Levi went fishing in the Palin family fish tank and cooked up the Magic Wishing Fish by mistake, resulting in the McCain-Palin defeat.

As Mayor, Palin would often broadcast radio messages to the fourteen residents of Wasilla, Alaska featuring weather reports, hunting conditions, and her general musings on the day.

Q99.7, Alaska’s Official Station for Trip Hop and Reggaeton, featured Palin in a run of advertisements shortly before going bankrupt.  Palin and her spokespeople claim the turn of events was only coincidence.

Palin, on a routine trek through the Alaskan wilderness, sensed a little boy in danger. A renegade caribou was hunting Casey Steele, 8, until Palin intervened, chasing down the animal and ripping out its throat with her teeth and bare hands.

Palin’s instructional yoga film, “Finding Your Chakra Before Hunting from a Helicopter,” was a critical success, but failed to find its audience at the box office.

Palin famously killed one of the last remaining Sasquatches known to exist in Alaska.  Always a maverick, both in terms of political correctness and fashion, Palin wore her kill as a badge of honor.

Palin, seen here in her 2007 Christmas card with husband Todd, son Wrench, and three daughters – Renaissance Faire, Double Down, and youngest Poopy Pants.

During her interview with Katie Couric, Palin impressed critics and supporters alike with the revelation that she is the most literate woman in the world, reading every single daily newspaper as part of her morning routine.

On the campaign trail, Palin entertained her running mate by pointing out all the different kinds of animals, trees, and flowers within her line of vision.

Making an appearance on Saturday Night Live, following weeks of satirical impressions, Palin warned Tina Fey backstage that if the impressions didn’t cease, she had access to a helicopter and an AK-47 and would open up hunting season early on Fey.

Despite being so well read, Palin did not realize that the news stories she was reporting for SNL’s Weekend Update were fabricated, and thought that Amy Poehler’s rap about her was “just how they read the news in the un-American parts of America.”

People Magazine saw its lowest circulation numbers in more than 20 years with this August 2008 cover story about the Palin and McCain families.  The cover featured Palin, husband Todd, daughters Bucket List, Degrassi Junior High, Piggy Bank and newborn baby boy, Crow Bar.  Also pictured were John McCain, wife Cindy as well as Cindy’s Mini-Me.

Many political pundits blame Palin’s participation in “Talk Like A Pirate Day,” as a key factor in her debate loss to Democratic Vice Presidential candidate, Joe Biden.

Palin’s shame was evident during McCain’s concession speech to President-elect Barack Obama, when rather than thanking his supporters, McCain showed off, “how I grab the boobies.”

Following the Republican Presidential loss in 2008, Palin returned to her roots and reclaimed her rightful place as Queen of the Viking People, a small secessionist group occupying the northernmost regions of Alaska.

Palin derided the media for sexism only after she received negative press for wearing the same suit as Joe Biden during the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate.

Animal rights activists were up in arms following Palin’s Thanksgiving week press conference in front of a turkey slaughterhouse.  Palin responded, “Aw, gee whiz, it’s the holidays, the smell of turkey blood and the sound of its death screeches are what this time of year is all about!”

Many in the military were torn between voting for the Democrats who they agreed with politically, and the Republican ticket, featuring Palin who trained many of them in aerial sharpshooting and assault techniques.

Proving once again to be a maverick of the finest nature, Palin resigned from her post as Governor in order to “better serve the people of Alaska by not being constrained by the limitations of the highest elected office in the state.”

Following her resignation as Governor, Palin returned to Imaiknik Lake in hopes of fishing for a descendant of the Magic Wishing Fish, which will help her in her future endeavors, whatever they may be.