NEW YORK, NY – In an interview on Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that “there was never any evidence Iraq was involved in 9-11.”
This news comes as a complete shock to America and people around the world. For the past 6 years, Vice President Cheney led the chorus stating it was an irrefutable fact that Iraq was linked to the 9/11 attacks. The world stands in awe as one of the foundational beliefs of the last decade has been shattered.
Crisis counselors were immediately called into the Fox News headquarters. Sean Hannity broke down in tears before locking himself in a closet for several hours. Richard Cheney said that with the Iraq war in its 6th year, it was finally a good time for the truth to come out.
Cheney also went on to definitively state that there is no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny, no Tooth Fairy, and Elmo is “just an annoying piece of felt with a guys hand up its rear.” Citizens of the world are equally shocked to hear dearly held beliefs are also untrue. After refuting the Iraq/9-11 connection on Fox News, the former Vice President wishes to go to elementary schools to tell children there is no Santa. Dozens of elementary and preschools across the country have been added to his public speaking tour.
Detailing the nature of his youth audience speeches, Cheney said he plans on having a Mall Santa on stage that he will punch out and strip of his Santa outfit in front of the children. “’No magic here, kids!’ I think that will be an eye-opening moment for a lot of children.” He hopes to end the presentations by taking an Elmo doll off the hand of a puppeteer and putting it in a blender. “Then the kids can see it’s just felt and crap.”
Requests to book the “Iraq was never connected to 9-11, and also there’s no Santa” speaking tour by Dick Cheney can be made through his website.