ANCHORAGE, AK – Ted Stevens International Airport closed this weekend due to volcanic ash. Former Senator Ted Stevens believes it’s all part of a liberal conspiracy.
Mount Redoubt in Alaska erupted last week. No deaths were reported, but Ted Stevens International in Anchorage had to close and several GOP members were seriously inconvenienced. Former Senator Ted Stevens claims that it is a liberal conspiracy against his airport and other prominent Republicans.
Stevens believes that, like his several felony corruption charges, the volcanoes explosion was arranged by Liberals to smear his good name. Bobby Jindal, the Governor of Louisiana, was left with egg on his face since only weeks ago he nationally criticized Democrat spending on ‘Volcano Monitoring.’ Governor Jindal was so embarrassed he needed warm glasses of milk and his favorite footie-pajamas every night this week.
Other Republicans inconvenienced by the eruption included Norm Coleman. Due to the volcano’s eruption, he was forced to spend an extra two days with the girlfriend he had just broken up with during their Alaska cruise.
The Strom Thurman Memorial Leadership Retreat was engaging in trust exercises at the base of Mount Redoubt. Once the rumbling started the group turned on each other, scrambling to get back to the vans. No injuries were sustained from the eruption, but several of the members were later admitted to hospitals for bites, twisted ankles, asphalt burn, one minor heart attack from running 25 yards, and one man who suffered frostbite while riding back to town on the hood of the vehicle.
Stevens held a conference this weekend explaining his beliefs. Due to the airport being closed only 4 people attended, and they were homeless people taking advantage of the complimentary bagels.
He claims that the Liberal Democrats, in conjunction with the Weather Channel, organized for the volcano to explode. The Democrats in Congress sent a detachment of Imperial Guards to set up explosives, making the volcano erupt. Then Al Gore, who secretly runs the Weather Channel to help pull off his ‘Climate Change’ hoax, covered it up as a ‘natural phenomena.’ All this so he and other Republicans would lose face.
Fox News has agreed to give Stevens an hour and half special to expose this and other Democratic conspiracies.
Stevens International Airport opened again on Sunday, thanks to the former Senator spending most of the day shoveling away ash himself.