NOTRE DAME SCANDAL
March 25, 2009 by Reginald Cunningham III
NOTRE DAME, IN -Notre Dame is under fire for inviting Barack Obama to give their commencement speech this year. Catholics across the country are upset that Obama will be speaking at a Catholic university when some of his policies are not in keeping with their ideals. As a compromise President Obama has offered to convert to Catholicism for a day.
“The President hopes a one day conversion will help him better understand a different perspective that many Americans come from” said one aide while cornered in a bathroom stall.
On May 22nd the President will be baptized as a Catholic at pre-dawn mass. Insiders from the President’s bible study class confirm he will be named after Saint Benedict the Asthmatic, patron saint of world leaders and mental illness.
The rest of his tentative itinerary is as thus:
7:00am – Second Mass to ring in the Dawn
8:00am – Holy Eucharist
9:00am – Conference call with treasury department
10:00am – Midmorning Mass
11:00am – Update with Generals on war effort
12:00pm – Patron Saint Bingo
12:30pm – Light Lunch
1:00pm – Midday Mass followed by Bible Sparring with Cardinal Newson
2:00pm – Commencement Speech
5:00pm – Quick Nap
6:00pm – Visit children in the cancer wing of Friar Tuck’s Memorial Hospital
7:00pm – Quick Dinner
7:30pm – Hug it out with Senate conservatives
8:00pm – Evensong Mass
9:00pm – Respectfully renounce the Catholic Church
9:15pm – Flight back to Washington DC
Some traditional Catholic leaders are threatening to boycott the commencement despite President Obama’s effort to compromise. But even their own diocese seem to not care as seats are quickly filling up to play Patron Saint Bingo with the President.
