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REPUBLICAN STIMULUS PLAN TANTRUM


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WASHINGTON, DC – Last night, Congress passed a proposed $819 billion stimulus package.  At a vote of 244 to 188, the bill passed despite no Republican support.

Republicans in the House and Senate remain uniformly opposed to the bailout, and they are making their disappointment heard.

Immediately after the votes were tallied, several congressmen locked themselves in legal chambers and refused to come out.  Promises of additional tax cuts or wine-spritzers could not move the determined statesmen, and a janitor had to be called to unlock the door.

John Boehner took the floor in retaliation to the measure; first threatening to filibuster, then vowing to hold his breath until the house changed their minds.  Emergency medical teams were called when he passed out and hit his head on the podium.

Despite the urgent need for any federal action on the economy, Republican officials remain determined to stop the stimulus bill before it reaches the Senate.

Rush Limbaugh has threatened to secede from the Union, turning his West Palm Beach home into its own autonomous state.  Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Crist has offered to turn a blind eye to such an action, but an eventual showdown with federal forces is expected.