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PORN BAILOUT SOLUTION


WASHINGTON, DC – In one stunning move, Congress solved two crises plaguing America – a need for additional federal employees and a sinking pornography industry.

Pornography moguls Larry Flynt of Hustler Media and Joe Francis, Pulitzer Prize winning creator of the Girls Gone Wild series, have been lobbying Congress for bailouts similar to those given to the Automotive Industry and Wall Street.

“Porn has always been there to comfort Americans, to help them relax at the end of a busy day, and to take their mind off of their troubles,” Flynt and Francis said in a letter to Congress.  “Porn is the backbone of the American psyche.”

The media moguls asked Congress for five billion dollars to help keep production of pornography rolling while viewers are spending less on essential goods such as groceries, gas, and porn.

Congress decided to do one better for the pornography industry and the American people – take porn out of the bedroom and place it into the daily life of America in order to make people’s lives more enjoyable and relaxed.

“President-Elect Obama has said that he intends to add up to 10,000 new federal employees.  With so many people out of work, it wouldn’t be difficult to find workers to fill those rolls,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said in a statement to the press.  “But when we were approached by Larry and Joe, we knew we had a unique opportunity to solve two problems at once.”

One of the first appointments was of Mariah Cherry, veteran of over 100 pornography films, as court reporter for the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals in Boston, Massachusetts.

“I was really nervous about my case going into appeals,” Marcus Blights, on trial for racketeering and extortion, said at the close of opening arguments.  “But I walked into court today and saw Ms. Cherry typing away.  She looked up, smiled and winked.  All my cares just slipped away.”

“At that moment, I couldn’t remember if I was guilty or innocent.  And I didn’t care.”