CLEVELAND – Doctors have finally diagnosed Jimmy Carter’s mysterious medical condition: he’s pregnant!
Doctors confirmed earlier today that Jimmy Carter will have to spend a second night in the Cleveland-area hospital – because the former President is pregnant!
Former President Carter was admitted to the MetroHealth Medical Center on Tuesday after complaint of an upset stomach. He became ill while on a Delta Airlines flight from Atlanta to Cleveland.
As soon as the plane landed, medical dispatchers and EMTs were there to rush the bloated ex-President to the emergency room.
At 85 years old, Jimmy CArter would be the oldest man to ever give birth. The last man to give birth was Thomas Beattie, who gave birth to a baby girl in March, 2008.
Carter’s wife, Rosaylnn, was shocked upon confirmation that her husband was pregnant. “I’m furious!” said Mrs. Carter. “I haven’t made love to my husband in 40 years. There’s no way that baby is mine!”
Maternity tests are underway. There are many women that Carter has “lusted after” over the years – including cruise ship passengers, Palestinians and a Habitat For Humanity carpenter – so there’s many possibilities for maternity.
Hillary Clinton is not one of them. “I wouldn’t step on that peanut farm, even if he was the last man on earth,” she said.
George W., a close friend who asked that his last name be withheld, told WWN reporters that former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was the mother of Mr. Carter’s child.
The two politicians collaborated on human rights projects in the past. “Hey, what other people choose to do after a long day of Middle East peace negotiations is their own business,” said George W. “All I know is: what happens in Palestine stays in Palestine!”
When asked to comment on the allegations, Ms. Rice began defensive. “I am not that baby’s mamma!” said Condoleeza Rice in a press conference earlier today. “I’m not even into guys!”
Dr. Jamir Patel, head obstetrician at the MetroHealth Center, said mr. Carter’s pregnancy is highly unusual. “Pregnancies are for people over 40,” said Dr. Patel. “And, obviously, the fact that he’s a man complicates things. You don’t want to know where the baby’s going to come out It’s not pretty.”
Medical officials at the MetroHealth Center declined to release the sex of teh child, citing “an exploding ultrasound machine.” But in an exclusive interview with Weekly World News, Dr. Patel divulged the real reason behind the hospital’s secrecy. “That baby doesn’t look human,” said Dr. Patel. “It has wings and claws and fangs. That’s a vampire, if I’ve ever seen one.”
Vampire specialists are now headed to Cleveland to help assist in the delivery. WWN wishes the former President and his spawn well!
Story filed by intrepid WWN reporter: Brian Zimmerman.