WASHINGTON – The White House drops a bombshell. President Obama is Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy.
Amid the growing controversy about the mosque being built at Ground Zero and in light of the 24% of Americans that believe President Obama is a Muslim, the White House decided to finally reveal the truth about the President’s true spiritual identity.
“He is Xenu,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters at this morning’s briefing. “He is an alien dictator who brought billions of his people to Earth in a spacecraft 75 million years ago. He stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. That’s the story of human life on earth.”
A stunned White House Press Corps fired questions at Gibbs, but he dismissed them all with this statement, “I’m sorry, I can’t answer your questions anymore, because you are not clear. When you all get clear, then I can talk to you, until then… forget it. You are all psychology damaged. Read Dianetics. That’ll get you started.”
The Church of Scientology would not comment on whether President Obama is a Scientologist and has repeatedly denied the Xenu story. “President Obama chooses to worship the alien of his choice. We can not confirm or deny that he is a member of our church,” said a person who seems to know people in Scientology but was afraid to state his name because he felt that he may get sued and/or sent to Planet Zeeba.
After doing some research, reporters were even more confused because, according to Scientology, Xenu is the cause of all problems in the world and the reason why Scientology techniques are needed. So, how can Obama be the cause and the salvation at the same time?
Gibbs, “President Obama can do it all. That’s all I can say about that.” Gibbs went on to say that Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley would be joining President Obama and the First Family on their vacation to Martha’s Vineyard. “They are having a meeting with the Sea Org on the Kennedy family yacht,” Gibbs said. He didn’t say whether the Scientology celebrities were going to praise Obama or attack him.
“We told you he wasn’t born in Hawaii,” yelled a rabid Orly Taiz, the head of the Birther Movement. “That’s why he doesn’t have a birth certificate. He’s an alien!” Orly Taiz is now starting a new movement; the Barack Obama is an Alien movement. Robert Gibbs is starting another movement, Orly Taiz is an alien. “Orly and President Obama were enemies on Planet Zeeba, 50 million ago. Orly holds a grudge for a long time.”
The story of Xenu (Obama) is part of Scientology’s secret “Advanced Technology” doctrines taught only to advanced members who have undergone many expensive hours of auditing and reached the state of Clear. It is dramatized in Revolt in the Stars, a screenplay written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1977.
Hubbard wrote that Xenu was the ruler of a Galactic Confederacy. 75 million years ago it consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets including Earth, which was then known as “Teegeeack”. The planets were overpopulated, with an average population of 178 billion. The Galactic Confederacy’s civilization was comparable to our own, with aliens walking around in clothes and using cars similar to those on Earth in 1961.
Coincidentally, 1961 was the year that Obama was “born.”
Xenu was about to be deposed from power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. With the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of his citizens together under the pretense of income tax inspections, then paralyzed them and froze them in a mixture of alcohol and glycol to capture their souls. The kidnapped populace was loaded into spacecraft for transport to the site of extermination – Teegeeack.
This morning, President Obama announced his solution to the mosque controversy, “Instead of a mosque, we will be building a large three-block Scientology Spiritual Center. Who can object to that?”
The President said that from now on all citizens on Teegeeack shall call him – Xenu, Galactic Dictator. All Hail, Xenu!
Here’s Tom Cruise talking about Scientology. “You’re either on board, or you are not on board.”