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PEORIA, IL – Federal authorities are helping SEIU unionize lemonade stands across the country.

Little girls and boys across the country are shaking in their little sandals and booties.  The Obama Administration believes that children selling lemonade on street corners are being taken advantage of by… their parents.

Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s Chief of Staff, said, “For about a century parents have been abusing their children, making them sit for long hours in the hot sun trying to sell lemonade at a rate far below market value. These children need protection from their parents and from capitalists looking for a good lemonade bargain.”

SEIU, the Service Employees International Union, is sending representatives out around the country to sign up the boys and girls. An SEIU representative said, “We need to get them a fair wage, benefits, pension , and we need to get them more TV time. These kids are being forced to work without a TV anywhere near them. It’s horrible! We can’t believe this could happen in America.”

When asked what they would do if the girls and boys did not want to join the union, President Mary Kay Henry, said that “there’s a lot of bad things that can happen to a lemonade stand.  Sometimes they can get destroyed by all sorts of natural phenomenon. But we at SEIU, we can protect these kids against that. If they sign up for our union, they will never have any damage to their stands.  I guarantee it!”

“Lemonade workers of the world unite!”  said former SEIU president, Andy Stern.  “The world has changed. You can’t just make lemonade in your house and sell it at the end of your driveway. The world doesn’t work that way. You need to join forces with other lemonade workers so that you are not exploited by the evil capitalists.  In support of the SEIU, the Obama Administration has instructed the FBI to make sure that the lemonade stand workers are making “the right decision.”

David Axelrod, Obama’s Chief of Staff, added, “look these stands are not paying taxes. We could go after them for that, but we’re not going to do that – yet.  However, they need to learn at an early age that they are not selling lemonade just for themselves, they are selling it for all of us.  We all share in their profits.”

Melissa Charlton, 9, of Peoria, Illinois decided to take a stand for her lemonade stand and refused to join SEIU. FBI agents were sent in and cordoned off a perimeter around her lemonade stand, so that nobody would get hurt. Vice President, Joe Biden, went to Peoria to diffuse the situation.  “Melissa, you need to join SEIU.  It’s time that you jump in, give a little back for all you’ve been given in your life.”

Melissa responded, “But Mr. Vice President, how is joining a union giving back?”  Joe Biden thought about it for a minute and said, “This is a big f–ing deal, Melissa.  A big f–ing deal.”  Melissa still refused to join SEIU.  She was last seen talking to the janitor at her elementary school.

Even though President Obama’s own daughter, Malia, has a lemonade stand on White House grounds, she is exempt from joining the union.  Michelle Obama said that unions were for “the little people.”

Lemonade Workers of the World Unite!!