PHILADELPHIA – Chinese spies, living in the U.S., haven taken over American swimming pools. Americans are burning up!
In the past week, Chinese spies, who have been under cover in the U.S. – working as botanists, dry cleaners and chiropodists – have hatched a plan to keep Americans from cooling off. The FBI disclosed the secret operation, which the Chinese call “Op Poo” to the public.
Americans heading to public pools on Saturday where distraught to find all the pools filled with Chinese people in colored inner tubes. “I’ve never seen so many people in one spot in my life,” said Wendy Grossman of Media, Pennsylvania. “They wouldn’t get out. They just kept splashing and screaming. It was frightening.”
Some citizens were not about to let a few thousand Chinese keep them from cooling off. “My brother, Vinny, just got on the diving board, told them all to get out of his way, then he jumped,” Bobby Grimaldi told reporters. But soon after Vinny Grimaldi landed on fifteen Chinese women with purple noodles – he disappeared. “We never saw him again,” said a weepy Vinny.
Op Poo is underway across the country. And it’s not limited to public pools. They are invading private pools as well. Bridget Geegan and her daughter Rose were heading out to the backyard pool of their St. Louis home to escape the 100 degree heat and were stunned to find three hundred Chinese men in Speedos screaming and splashing in the water. “When we first walked outside we didn’t see anybody, but five minutes later… they came out of nowhere, filled the pool. It was like one big Chinese Flash Mob!”
Some have speculated that the spies are not actually in the United States, but are digging into the U.S. from China. “It’s all part of a master plan for China to crush America,” said one State Department official. This was confirmed by Bo Ling, a captured spy from Guangzhou. “We want win war, with no fight battle!”
Beaches, lakes, swimming holes, ponds, streams, even some puddles… are filled with Chinese swimmers. “They have all our money. Now they’re taking our pools. What’s next?” said a concerned Tea Party Patriot. On Glenn Beck’s show Friday he suggested that the Chinese swimmers are actually union members sent by Obama (and the Communists) who are disguising themselves as Chinese to confuse “freedom-loving Americans.” Beck said that the Founding Fathers predicted that this would happen one day. Beck was last seen near a toilet at Fox News.
At noon on Saturday, all of the Chinese Swimmers shouted, “We want Mike Phelp! We want Mike Phelp!” But Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps, went missing at his lap pool early Saturday morning.
President Obama called in the Navy Seals to help, but they all went missing. He’s now sending in accountants who are afraid of water. WWN will stay safely inside our air-conditioned offices, and follow the story. We will stay away from all water.