WASHINGTON – The Senate voted 60-40 on Tuesday to move forward with buying new houses and cars for all unemployed Americans.
The Senate originally was voting on a bill that would reauthorize unemployment benefits for the long-term jobless, 2.5 million of whom have missed checks since the end of May.
But Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) said that it did not go far enough. “We have families who can barely afford the bare necessities; we can’t just sit back and let them suffer. It’s time for us to give the people what they really need – new houses and new cars.”
President Obama appointed Kenneth Feinberg the Special Master in charge of The Great House and Car Give-Away. Feinberg was in charge of the September 11th Victim Fund and is in charge of allocating the disbursement of the $20 billion that BP has given to those who are suffering from the oil spill. He’s looking forward to “making people happy.”
“Cold-blooded” Republicans tried to filibuster the bill, but Democrats pushed it through. When asked how the Democrats intended to buy houses and cars for the unemployed Reid said, “We needed to pass the bill first, then we will figure out how we will implement it.” Senator Chris Dodd had a novel suggestion, “Let’s print more money!” This idea was met with loud applause by the Democrats and the Republicans, well it looks like they’ll all be losing their houses and cars.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “We can’t just talk about redistributing wealth as an abstract concept, we actually have to do it and need to use direct redistribution to accomplish our goals.” The direct redistribution means that Democrats will be seizing houses and cars from the wealthy and giving them to the unemployed.
One unemployed bus driver, Chuck Bench (45), said, “This is a miracle. I never thought I’d ever be able to own a car OR a house and now… I’m gonna have both. For free. I’ve achieved the American Dream!” Chuck wept, but so did his Uncle Larry, a wealthy trial lawyer who was ordered to give his house and car to Chuck.
In related news, the Obama Administration is considering giving the unemployed an extra $10,000 in October and are promising some “very special goodies” on Election Day.