DALLAS, TX – Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced the White House’s plan to deport 15 million Republicans to Mexico.
Many in Washington were stunned by President Obama’s decision, the first time in U.S. history that a sitting President has moved to deport legal U.S. Citizens. Senior Adviser David Axelrod spoke to Keith Olbermann, who thought the idea was “genius, you should have done this a year ago.” Axelrod explained the decision, “It is difficult for the President to get his agenda through with all these Republicans standing in his way. When we won the election we thought they would just shut up and let us clean up the mess. We’re left with no choice but to deport these Republicans, so that we can run the country the way we want.”
Napolitano said that mass deportations will start immediately and would not be limited to Arizona Republicans – though they would be the first rounded up. Governor Jan Brewer was picked up last night and driven across the border in an armored car. She was taken to Rosarito on the West Coast of Mexico – where she will be set up with a taco stand. Homeland Security has streamlined the system by seizing the records of Republican Party offices throughout the country. They will begin going door to door, randomly picking those Republican individuals (and families) that “have to go.”
Glenn Beck was taken this morning to an adobe hut in Campeche where he will continue broadcasting his show – to himself.
Once they hit the 15 million mark, the Obama Administration plans to grant citizenship to the 15 million illegal immigrants in this country. Axelrod said, “these new citizens will be registered Democrats and that will make it a lot easier for us to get our agenda passed.”
When asked about the deportations James Carville told CNN that if they came for his wife, Republican Mary Matalin, ICE was going to have some trouble. “I’ll open some cajun whoopass on those bastards.” He was also upset that he’d be out of a job. “If there’s only one party in the country, who’s gonna need political consultants?”
As of 2004 there were 55 million registered Republicans in the country. After the deportations, there still will 40 million left. “This is just the first phase of Operation So-Long-Suckers. If it goes as smoothly as we predict, we can deport another 15 million by the end of the year,” President Obama told Katie Couric, who wept with joy. “There is no other President in the history of our great nation that would the courage and strength to take the necessary steps to bring us all together. You are a God, Mr. President,” Couric told Obama. “I know,” President Obama replied.
As you would expect, most Republicans were outraged at the deportations, but Axelrod reminded them that “you smashed the car into the tree and we’ve been trying to get the car back on the road, and you want us to give you the keys back to the car, so you can smash another tree. Well, you’re not getting the keys back, you’re being sent to your room. Mexico.”
Washington insiders were not surprised that several Republicans supported the deportations: Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts and Senators Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins of Maine. But even though they spoke in favor of the plan, President Obama is still having them deported. “They’re still Republicans. One and elephant, always an elephant.”
So,if you are a Republican, how do you protect yourself against being deported?