BREAKING - Washington, D.C. The White House announced this morning that they will be putting Bat Boy in charge of the newly created “Perfect Citizen” cyber program.
The program was created to detect cyber assaults on private companies and government agencies running such critical infrastructure as the electricity grid and nuclear-power plants. The surveillance by the National Security Agency, the government’s chief eavesdropping agency, would rely on a set of sensors deployed in computer networks for critical infrastructure that would be triggered by unusual activity suggesting an impending cyber attack. “Who better deal with unusual activity than Bat Boy?” a White House spokesperson said.
Even though Rod Blagojevich was lobbying to get the job, in exchange for his “silence” on Valerie Jarrett (and everything else under the sun), a NSA spokesman said that Bat Boy was the only one seriously considered for the job. “Bat Boy has a long history of protecting America. Just eight years ago, he defused a terrorist bomb on a United Airlines flight from Amsterdam by urinating on it.” The government feels that a half-bat, half-human being has an advantage in protecting Americans from cyber assaults. Bat Boy’s enlarged ears are good sound gathering devices, much like a satellite dishes. Bat Boy also has the ability to send out sounds, which will bounce against an object, then return to him for interpretation.
David Axelrod, Senior Advisor to the White House, denied rumors that Bat Boy had been working for the government since 1992 when he was captured in the Shenandoah Mountains of West Virginia. He added, “Bat Boy has been an American icon for years now. In my opinion, when you think of the “Perfect Citizen”, no one better exemplifies that then Bat Boy.” When asked about Bat Boy’s notorious temper Axelrod said, “He’s harmless. Have you ever been around Rahm Emanuel when he’s angry – talk about a monster!”
Defense contractor Raytheon Corp. won a classified contract for the initial phase of the surveillance effort valued at up to $100 million. A Raytheon spokesperson said Bat Boy is a perfect fit for the program because he “can stay up all night, and he likes to eat insects and bugs, which we have in abundance around here.”
Some Washington insiders are complaining that the Perfect Citizen program is akin to Big Brother, but as Robert Gibbs said this morning, “who wouldn’t want Bat Boy as a Big Brother?”
Vice President Joe Biden stepped to the podium to discuss the program at this morning’s press briefing dressed as Batman’s sidekick Robin. Biden said, “I love Bat Boy and I love Batman. Bang! Pow! Kazam!” When Robert Gibbs informed the Vice President that he had the wrong Bat family, a saddened Biden remarked, “can I still wear my costume to meet the Prime Minister of Israel?” Gibbs responded tersely, “No, Joe. You can’t.”
Bat Boy is already working as the Perfect Citizen. He is monitoring your computer as you read this post. Please wave at your monitor.