WASHINGTON D.C. – Senator Evan Bayh will not seek re-election this year. Citing an overly partisan climate in Washington he has decided to return to his home planet!
Democrats were shocked yesterday when Evan Bayh announced he is retiring from the Senate, and that he is in fact an alien. “There are many great people working for you humans in the Senate. But there is too much partisan bickering in Washington to make any progress. I have evolved past such things. And as such, I must leave this place.” The Democratic Senator floated away from the press conference before stopping at a Chipotle, then back to his home in a gated community.
His absence will leave another gaping hole for Democrats to fill, and further erodes their power in the Senate. “That’s one less Democrat fighting the good fight” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, while finishing a bottle of Jack Daniels by himself. Senate Republicans were ecstatic at the continued loss of Democrat power. Scott Brown was seen standing on his desk and rubbing olive oil on his chest to celebrate.
Senator Bayh was an influential member of the Democrat party. He never lost a single election at the state or local levels. This amazing winning streak is thought to be a product of his alien heritage, either subtle form of mind control native to his species or a more highly evolved sense of public speaking. Some experts believe his political influence is pheromone based.
“He was just too good looking to be true” said Beatrice Destin, a Senate Cafeteria worker reacting to the news. “Of course he isn’t human. He’s probably married too.” The Senator was recently offered a nude photo shoot in Cosmo magazine. Bayh turned down the offer saying “NO! I mean, thank you for the flattering offer but, NO! I’m a politician, not a trained monkey! Politics and entertainment aren’t the same, just no.”
The Senator will abdicate his office soon. Shortly thereafter he will take some time on his home planet to “relax, and think out my next move.” Whether he may return to earth to seek a more executive position remains uncertain.