WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon is lifting a ban on letting gays serve openly in the military. Government officials have developed several plans for an “All Gay Fighting Force.”
Since the Clinton era the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy has banned gays from serving openly in the military. With the need for more soldiers and more political capital, President Obama has pressured heads of the state department to come up with an alternative that would let gay soldiers serve openly. Officials within the Defense Department have developed plans for how to integrate what is being dubbed the “First Fabulous Battalion.”
“The first step towards total integration is a seperate openly gay battalion,” said Defense Secretary Robert Plant. “Within that group we can work out any kinks with, oh wait. I didn’t mean, was that offensive? I don’t know. What I mean is we’ll work out any problems there first. Not that I have a problem personally… I need to go.”
Plans are being drafted for an all-gay subdivision within each of the major branches of the military. Newly formed battalions will allow gay members of the Army and Marines to perform standard military duties openly. The only difference would be a more lenient policy towards mustaches and short shorts. The Army is meeting with gay military members of the BDSM community for possible use in interrogations. “These people know how to inflict pain without bruising or drawing blood. Uncle Sam can use that,” said Gen. John Swiftman. “And their sheer appearance could be enough to intimidate Islamic Fundamentalists.”
The CIA, already in a hiring push, is reaching out more openly to the drag queen community, hoping to recruit spies with experience performing either gender. The Navy will be commissioning a new vessel, the SS Eleanor Roosevelt, for openly gay service among its seamen. The christening ceremony for the ship is planned for early March and will be attended by the surviving members of the Village People.