HONOLULU, HI – Hawaii is in a panic as the state prepares for hundreds of Republicans to descend upon the state this Wednesday.
The GOP is holding their annual winter strategy session on the tropical island usually known to be highly Democratic. Local government can barely keep the peace as the residents frantically prepare.
Residents are terrified of the impending invasion by over a hundred Republicans, Conservatives, and Tea Baggers. Dry goods and bottled water are sold out across all the Hawaiian islands. Storefronts are boarding up their windows and parents are teaching their children how to accept death gracefully. Riots are breaking out at hardware stores as supplies become scarce. Some elderly people remember the last time Republicans came to Hawaii, and since then the legend has grown.
In 1959, shortly after receiving official statehood, Hawaii elected its first governor, a Republican named William Quinn. The celebration has since become legend, told in hushed tones by the few surviving elders who witnessed it. Republican men and women descended on the tropical paradise in numbers the island had never seen before. Every random stranger was asked to have their picture taken then to “Do something Hawaiian!”
Republican party goers drank every drop of beer, wine, and scotch on the island. Drunken white men leveled villages with their partying, endless golfing and racist undertones. Parents fled to the mountains with children before tourists could point and call them “exotic!” Kah’lameia Beach, epicenter of the festivities, was ecologically destroyed by litter, spilled Mai Tai’s, and burned polyester. Since then the beach has appeared on no maps and is considered “off limits” to everyone. Hawaii’s officials hope to avoid a similar disaster.
State officials are taking drastic measures to protect their home by attempting to move the island. Motions are being put through the State Supreme Court to enact a mystic ritual which could move the Hawaiian islands to another location. The ritual is extremely dangerous, and has only been performed twice before in recorded history. Eventually due to GPS and satellite tracking the state would be found again in its new location, but it would be enough to deter the influx of Republicans later this week.
“This would be drastic measure” said Lieutenant Governor John Kai’alooah, “that could have international repercussions. But if it would protect our people from an invasion of old white men, that’s a risk we’re willing to take.”