WASHINGTON, DC – New airline restrictions will soon be taking effect. Weekly World News has acquired a list of what to expect.
Airlines are still reeling from the narrowly avoided terrorist attack on Northwest flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit Christmas day. A Nigerian man attempted to ignite explosives he had sewn into his underpants while the plane was descending over Detroit. After careful consideration and emergency meetings of the Transportation Security Administration, here are some of the new rules that will soon go into effect.
– No Underpants. All passengers will be expected to prove they are not wearing underpants as the garment is too easy to hide explosives or drugs in.
– Mandatory Jumpsuits. Passengers will be expected to change into full body jumpsuits on their way through security. The jumpsuits will make it harder for anyone to smuggle explosives, incendiaries, or weapons in their clothing.
– Retinal Scans. Passengers will receive a mandatory retinal scan, a scan which cannot be faked, and the results will be cross referenced by computer with interpol records for known or suspected terrorists. Granted no such database exists yet, and it is entirely impractical for apprehending terrorists with no prior criminal history, but apparatus is large enough to give the impression that security teams mean business.
– Spetznatz Flight Attendants. The days of perky and attractive flight attendants are over as now their duties will be performed by former Russian Special Forces officers. Their presence is expected to be a deterrent to any potential terrorists and people who talk loudly on their phones.
– Mandatory hypnotherapy. All stations of in-flight music will be replaced by in-flight hypnotherapy. Being under a hypnotic trance makes it nearly impossible to stage any kind of attack, and all hypnotic messaging will be designed to minimize aggressive attitudes. Passengers will be able to choose from a short list of programs including Calming, Listening Skills, Letting go of Aggression, Who Moved my Cheese?, and Hugging your Inner Child.
– Cozy Restraints. Luthansa airlines has proposed Cozy Restraint seating for its passengers. Developed by a team of engineers and Sadomasochists the Cozy Restraints are straight-jacket like apparatuses which completely inhibit use of the hands or feet while providing maximum comfort. Positioning of the restraints, and the chair they will be in, are ergonomically designed to help passengers sleep during their flight.