TEHRAN – President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran has declared Santa Claus a “Public Enemy” of Iran.
In a statement to the people he said that no violation of Iran’s borders would be tolerated. “We cannot allow this Christian figure to enter our lands without permission, to enter our homes, and force Western culture onto our impressionable young children! This is a Crusader with a sleigh! The people of Iran will be protected from this invader! If he enters our borders he will be shot down on sight!”
Reports have been confirmed that the Iranian military has been mobilized to the borders with orders to shoot and kill Santa Claus on sight. Men who are too jolly, and anyone using reindeer powered transportation, are being brought in for questioning. The international community is outraged.
Other countries are furious that Iran may shoot and kill what has been an international asset. Parents from around the world are relying on Santa Claus to compensate for a lack of interest in their children’s lives. World leaders terrified of long awkward silences with their own families are retaliating. Further sanctions against Iran are being considered, but could not be put in effect in time.
Representatives for Santa have only said that he exists solely to bring joy to the children of the world, and that he will not be bullied by a tyrant. Further requests for comment or discussion by reporters and world leaders alike have gone unanswered. Even Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey cannot get through to Santa to try and work a settlement.
Hoping Iran doesn’t bring an end to Christmas, the world waits on bated breath.