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BERLUSCONI ATTACKER


MILAN – Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi was punched in the face outside a political rally – by a girl!

On Sunday, outside of a political rally in Milan, Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi was attacked by a person in the crowd.  Photographic evidence shows he was punched in the face by a young woman.  Italian media outlets have been working around the clock to convince the world otherwise.

Berlusconi is exercising all of his influence, as the Prime Minister and the owner of several news stations, to convince the world he was hit by a man.  According to the official story being put forward by party sources, Berlusconi was hit by Massimo Tartaglia, a local man with a history of mental problems.  Tartaglia supposedly threw a “large metal statuette of the Duomo” from close range, to hit the Prime Minister.

Photographic evidence reveals, however, that Berlusconi was punched in the face by a woman.  The identity of the assailant is still unknown, but it is believed she may be involved in his divorce scandal.  Berlusconi is in the middle of a messy divorce which has brought to light several teenage mistresses and one paid escort.  To these allegations the Prime Minister responded, “I never paid her!”  Whether the assailant is another one of the Premier’s scorned lovers or simply an angered feminist remains unknown.

Berlusconi suffered a broken nose and two broken teeth from the incident.  News agencies owned by the Prime Minister are continuing to report that such an injury must have been sustained by a hurled metal souvenir “and could never be done by the small delicate hands of a lady.”  Italian news agencies continue to report that Massimo Tartaglia was the assailant, despite numerous eye witnesses that place him on the other side of town having an argument with a head of lettuce at the time.

One anonymous source close to the Premier said, “If word got out that our leader was beaten up by a woman, it would make us look weak to the rest of the world!  This secret must be hidden at all costs!”  The source was on his 14th espresso since the incident and forgot he was talking to a reporter.

Berlusconi will remain in hospital until Tuesday.