WASHINGTON, DC – The President is urging small businesses and communities to create unusual new jobs to help the economy.
Weekly World News has scoured classifieds around the country to find examples of some of these government sponsored jobs:
Lobster Polisher – To help support independent fishermen in the Northeast, grocery stores are hiring lobster polishers to help make their crustaceans look as appealing as possible. Standard lobster polish is an all-natural biodegradable blend that brings out an exoskeleton’s natural shine. Domestic lobster purchasing has been shown to go up 23% when lobsters are properly polished.
Chimney Sweep – Even though few households have chimneys or heating systems that require special cleaning, the Chimney Sweeps do a song and dance to entertain children, receiving generous tips.
Bully Deterrent – Elementary and middle schools are hiring former law enforcement personnel, body builders, and pro-wrestlers to help deter bullying among the students. Aggressive students are responding well to the physically intimidating presences, and reports of wedgies are down 46%.
Detention Monitors – Ex-convicts are being hired to monitor after-school detentions, and share with the students stories from inside prison in a daily “scared straight” type initiative.
Feminist Construction Workers – Female former professional athletes will be hired to deter construction workers from commenting on women who walk by. Similar programs have seen great success in Russia. However last year three construction workers were emasculated with a pair of pliers by a former womens’ Olympic shotput champion.
Charming Hobos – The Boulder Colorado Chamber of Commerce is hiring people to portray charming hobos, dressed not unlike Charlie Chaplin with small satchels at the end of a stick, to give their town some local flavor. The hobos will be given an allowance of beans and vegetables to eat out of cans, and are required to end their nights singing songs around a campfire barely visible from town. Local homeless people not suffering from schizophrenia are being trained to act the part, play the harmonica, and how to boil shoes.
Hippie Bather – Berkeley, California, Austin, Texas, and Rome, Georgia are all hiring mobile cleanup crews to attend to the hippie problem. Each city is a mecca for nearby artist and hippie types and plagued by unwashed avant garde youths. Crews hired by the city or local liberal arts colleges will drive around in vans looking for hippies, when they find them breaking out high power hoses, soap, and long scrubbing brushes to clean them thoroughly against their will.
Unemployment rates are high, however as these types of programs take hold more and more Americans will be able to find work.