VANCOUVER – At a Canadian luncheon last week, former President Bush said, “I did not sell my soul.” Satan has disputed his statement.
Former President Bush is touring Canada with a speaking tour to promote his upcoming book. When describing his Presidency to a group in Vancouver last week he made the now famous remark. The crowd was confused as the comment came from nowhere and was relevant of nothing. The former President looked awkward for a moment, then quickly changed the subject to hockey.
Satan has come forward saying the two in fact did have a deal. Answering many questions about the Bush Presidency, how he won the 2000 election, and why the results were never formally investigated, the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself, has come forward saying the two entered into an agreement in late 1999. Satan helped him acquire the Presidency in 2000, and kept the associated press from asking too many questions about how it was done, in exchange for George W. Bush’s immortal soul.
While in office Mr. Bush received advice from Beelzebub and his legal team on several matters in exchange for the passing of the Patriot Act. As proof Satan produced the original legal document, signed in Bush’s hand with Bush’s own blood, offering up his soul to the Devil.
GOP spokespeople have downplayed the incident and rebuked Satan’s alleged documentation. Karl Rove, Bush’s chief advisor while President, said, “I know nothing of the Dark Lord, and have not sworn to carry out his every command until the glorious day when his son will rise! …I must away. No further comment.” Bush’s media spokesman said that “this legal contract is a fake. Satan is notoriously Un-American. His attack on Mr. Bush in an attack on the family values that make this country great. That Satan himself is set on tearing down George W. Bush only serves as a testament to the good Mr. Bush has accomplished.”
On Fox News, their commentators said, “Orly Taitz came forward with Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, and the media immediately writes that off as a hoax. Satan comes forward with this contract and suddenly George Bush is suspect. It’s a double standard!”
Bill O’Reilly has claimed, “This is all just a Democrat conspiracy to destroy Bush’s legacy. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Al Franken at the center of this.”
Satan has produced additional evidence of a relationship between he and Bush, including pictures of Bush signing the contract, the two of them having beers, and even fishing together.
Former President Bush has yet to personally address the issue, and keeps changing the subject to sports.