Senator Ted Kennedy passed away last night. Weekly World News has uncovered details about his upcoming funeral.
Edward Moore Kennedy was born in 1932 to an Irish American family in Boston. He was one of the few people in the country to be issued membership to the Democratic Party and his Birth Certificate in the same day. He was the youngest of 29 siblings, which included John F Kennedy, Robert F Kennedy, Eunice Shriver Kennedy, and his holiness the Dalai Llama.
Kennedy was first sworn into office as a Massachusetts Senator in 1962. The details of his congratulation party have been sealed as a National Secret ever since.
June 1964 Kennedy was involved in a plane accident while flying from Washington to Massachusetts. During the flight the pilot revealed himself to be a KGB agent. After a brief tussle he jumped out of the plane with the only parachute. Ted Kennedy assumed control of the craft and avoided two hospitals and an orphanage to crash into an apple orchard. He suffered back and neck pain for the rest of his life due to the incident.
During the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago, unconfirmed reports place Senator Kennedy in downtown Chicago dealing out vigilante justice alone on horseback and naked. According to urban legend a portly naked Irishman rode through the streets on a white horse, setting wrongs right in between deep swigs from his bottle of whiskey.
After the assassination of his two brothers Ted Kennedy was thrust into the role of patriarch of the Kennedy family, and was given the family flask. Inlaid with a piece of the Blarney Stone, the flask is said to have magical powers, granting whomever holds it a strong speaking voice and any Senate seat they legally run for.
In July of 1969, Kennedy drove a car off Dike Bridge on Chappaquiddick Island, which resulted in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne. Many feel he did not suffer adequate legal ramifications for his role in the incident. However, he was haunted by the ghost of the angry 28 year old woman every night for the rest of his life, which most would agree is adequate punishment.
Since then Kennedy remained content to focus on his role in politics. For years he was considered a lion of the Senate, championing such Democrat causes as health care and minimum wage laws. His passing marks the end of a life which helped to form America in the 20th century.
O’Houlihans Bar in Washington D.C. was a favorite of Kennedy, who knew most everyone there by name. They would greet him with a rousing “Ted!” every time he walked through the door. His favorite bar stool will be retired in his honor.
Services will be held soon; although a date has not been set, certain details are known for sure. A small family service will be held at the Kennedy estate in addition to a larger public remembrance in Washington. An entire island off the coast of Massachusetts will be rented for Kennedy’s wake, which will have EMTs on hand with a portable stomach pump. The entire eastern portion of the state will be required to sign a confidentiality agreement regarding the evening. President Obama himself is expected to throw out the first ball in a somber Beer Pong tournament.
At the public service, key members of the Democrat party are expected to speak. In thanks for a lifetime of patronage Jameson Whiskey will provide a 30 bagpipe marching salute for his funeral procession. The Senate and the House will join together to toast his memory in a special joint session.
According to his wishes Kennedy’s heart will be cremated and placed in a bottle, then thrown into the ocean off the coast of Ireland while 20 red-headed virgins sing “Oh Danny Boy.” The rest of Ted Kennedy is expected to be buried at his family’s estate.
Our condolences go out to his family those whose lives were touched by him in this time of loss.