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CRACKDOWN ON ILLEGAL DOWNLOADS


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BEIJING, CHINA – China threatens military action for having songs downloaded illegally by “imperialist West.”  

Chinese President Hu Jintao took the floor of China’s Parliament yesterday to decry illegal music sharing.  “This is an outrage, and such illegality must be stopped at all costs!”  He continued that if Chinese property, intellectual or otherwise, continued to be stolen China would defend herself with military force if necessary.

While delivering this missive a junior representative from the Hunan province raised his hand to speak up.  “With all due respect Mr. President, but since when does the People’s Republic of China honor the bourgeoisie copyright laws of other countries?”  The collection of more seasoned statesmen sat stunned at the novice who did not know.

Hu has been in an outrage ever since a love song he wrote and performed for his wife was stolen by a Tibetan hacker and distributed across the net.  The MP3 has since been widely circulated on college campuses under the title “Worst. Song. Ever.”  Hu appears to have taken this personally.

The President ignored the young man and continued.  “Taking from the great Motherland will not be tolerated, in any capacity!  China will defend what is hers by whatever means is necessary!  We will purchase their record labels and sue them from within the system!  We will invade their shores with the world’s greatest army and take every college campus by force!  Our peace keepers will patrol their dorm rooms and monitor their computers to weed this indecency out!  They will not be able to take what is rightfully ours!  We will patrol the streets and anyone sharing music by playing it too loudly will be prosecuted and shipped into forced labor camps!”

Again the junior representative from Hunan province meekly raised his hand.  He asked “But sir, isn’t sharing of goods and intellectual property in keeping with Communist ideals?”  A fight immediately broke out on the floor of Parliament.

There is no word yet on when the Chinese government will meet again.  Several representatives are in the hospital with broken ribs and third degree paper cuts.  Hu Jintao is taking a brief sabbatical to calm down after killing three party members with his bare hands and beheading one with the use of a folding chair.