WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama has invited James Crowley and Henry Louis Gates to the White House to reconcile over beers. White House staff are preparing for a late night bender.
To help ease the tension brought over the unjust treatment of Professor Henry Louis Gates by the Cambridge police the President has invited them over to share beers and discuss their problems on Thursday. White House veterans realize that in order for the men to be able to discuss their feelings they will first need to get hammered drunk. In preparation staff are preparing entertainment and “drunk proofing” the residential wing.
White House bowling lanes will be temporarily provided with dart boards, pool tables, and a karaoke machine. The dart board is the same historic board that was present when George Washington and John Adams needed to get drunk and “hug it out” over a dispute regarding federal tariff laws. Reports that the billiard table was the site of conjugal activity between President Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe have been scientifically disproven, although those findings are already being disputed. The karaoke machine has been loaded with the entire Marvin Gaye discography so President Obama can get the ball rolling with his standard “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love.”
Veteran staff members are enacting a decades old strategy for “drunk-proofing” the White House. The China Room will be emptied and all contents put into storage in a secret bunker. Secret Service officials will attempt to contain the revelers in designated ‘Party Zones’ which have no security cameras and stain resistant rugs. The Bush Bathroom is contained within this zone, and has a waterproof poly-vinyl chez lounge next to the toilet. Should the attendees go too far in their revelry secret service agents are well trained in all areas of ‘drunk-sitting.’
Due to the Manly nature of the evening, the kitchen is preparing a wide assortment of various pizza roles, pretzels, peanuts, and chicken wings. The Presidential Theater has also been prepared with copies of the entire Lethal Weapon franchise.
“Hopefully” says Press Secretary Robert Gibbs “this evening can bring some real healing to both parties involved.”