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ED ANGER SAYS: I’VE GOT PIRATE-PHOBIA!


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I’m happier than a parrot in a cracker factory! Our great Navy SEALS rescued that ship’s captain – and killed three of the pirates, too! (Isn’t it amazing how they train those things to shoot guns? Must be some tasty sardines they give them for treats…)

The bad news is: one of the pirates is still alive. He’s coming back here to go on trial. That’s crazy!

I can tell you just what’ll happen. First, he’ll complain that the Navy didn’t read him his rights in whatever language they speak in Oongaboongaland. Then some famous lawyer will take his case and say the poor guy was driven to a life of crime because he came from a broken home – his father only had TWO wives!

The trial will cost us millions of dollars. Sure, the jury will find him guilty (unless he get’s O.J.’s) but so what? Spending your life in an American prison will seem like heaven or whatever those people believe in, compared to his old life in Oongaboongaland!

College kids will wear FREE THE PIRATE t-shirts with his face on it. Then he’ll get released on a technicality. Every university in America will want to make him a professor, like they did with all those hippie bombers.

Hollywood will make a movie about the pirate’s life, about how he was framed. Will Smith will play him cuz he’ll be good at waving the machine gun around, then looking all sad and misunderstood, reading books in his cell.

That pirate will end up with a cushier life than the ship’s captain! If that doesn’t make you yell “ARRRGGGHHHH!”, then your peg leg’s not screwed on straight!