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I’m madder than a diabetic in a Dairy Queen at that Glenn Beck guy!

I’ve been America’s angriest right wing pundit since Bush was a bean sprout. But now this Glenn Beck guy comes along and gets rich imitating ME!

OK, Glenn Beck doesn’t copy me exactly. He’s a Mormon, first off, and that’s a make believe church like Amway, except Mormons don’t try to sell you dish soap. And he quit drinking years ago, although damned if you’d notice any.

Glenn Beck has this new idea on his TV show. I’m all for tanning the Government’s hide and waving the Stars & Stripes, don’t get me wrong.

But Beck’s notion is pretty hard to follow. Seems you gotta chop up a cobra, throw in some tea bags, and divide it by Seven Dwarves. Then the music goes “woosh!” and stuff spins around and there’s a big “kaboom.” We all hold hands and cry. The End.

Beck quotes Benjamin Franklin a lot these days. Stuff like, “Rattlesnakes’ rattles don’t rattle if you battle with the rattle!” Well, old Ben Franklin used to say a lotta things, like, “Crazy naked party at my place!” (That man spent way too much time in France for my liking…)

First and last time I saw Glenn Beck was at the big goodbye “do” at the White House for “W”. Beck was too busy sucking up all the crab dip to say much, so for all I know the boy’s in his right mind and just a little funny looking.

Glenn, you gotta stop that crying, son! Join a real church, maybe start drinking again. And if you ever need a break from TV, call me and I’ll sit in for you – no charge!