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I’m pig biting mad about all the crazy news this week!

I’m sick of that crazy baby machine lady with the big lips. I’m sick of movie stars talking about how brave they are for making a movie about some pansy thirty years after he died.

And I’m sick of hearing about the stock market! All you idiots should have done like your old friend Ed, and hid your money away in a box full of mothballs. I learned that in the Depression. But you kids today, with your pinball machines and your fancy vaccinations, just won’t know how to cope. Laugh all you want, but don’t expect me to share my instant chicory coffee and chipped beef when you’re starving.

Don’t try to steal my money, either, you punks! I’m heavily armed. For how long I don’t know, though. The Communist-in-Chief’s doing a lot of talking about banning guns. Maybe his Arabic copy of the Constitution doesn’t have a Second Amendment, but it’s still there in the one I’ve got framed and hung over the toilet.

Mark my words: the Teleprompter Kid’s gonna start treating guns like cigarettes. Smith & Wesson’s gonna have to write “MAY BE DANGEROUS TO SOMEONE ELSE’S HEALTH” on every rifle. And did you hear about that new law, about how old textbooks and new ATVs have to be banned because they might have a little lead in ‘em? (As if kids are going around licking their Quad Runners instead of riding them!)

Well, bullets are made of lead, right? Any fool can see where this is going. So stock up on ammo while you can. And if you don’t, you might as well have a farting contest in Independence Hall, you pinko traitor fruitcake!