I’m madder than Superman in a room full of gals in lead brassieres at this new airport-security X-ray machine!
This newfangled gizmo can make out every nook and cranny on your body, from folds of fat right on down to your privates. And ot me, that’s just pornography, plain and simple.
For crying out loud, don’t we have enough smut in the world already? I know I don’t want some fruitcake or frustrated spinster eyeballing the Anger family jewels just to get their jollies, by jimmy.
Now as all of you know, no one is more pro-airport security than yours truly.
Why, I was the first one to propose doing a no-holes-barred search of every single passenger who even looks like a goldurned Arab – including Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Italians and both kinds of Indians, dots and feathers.
But this infernal contraption is just crazy. The last thing we need right now is male security guards letting terrorists slip by because they’re too busy gawking at every curve on some sweet young thing’s body.
Or too busy gagging and reaching for their stash of airline barf bags because they got an up-close-and-personal look at some fat guy’s hairy butt crack.
Let’s face it, gang. There are some travelers God didn’t mean to be seen naked. You have grandmas with wrinkly flapjacks hanging clear to their navels, porkers with jiggly thighs and huge guts.
It’s flat wrong to subject airport security folks, America’s first line of defense, to eyesores like that.
And don’t give me that hogwash about the security people “looking for weapons, not at bodies.” They’re only human, folks.
Trust me, when that Jennifer Lopez gal wiggles through a checkpoint, every security guard within a three-airport radius will be packed around the monitor, staring at her king-sized caboose.
Old Osama himself could waltz through with an H-bomb in his knapsack and no one would pay him any mind.
But the passengers I really feel sorriest for are the guys who come up short in the trouser-trout department. Imagine how they feel when the security gals start giggling and elbowing each other to “come take a look at this.”
So, let’s stick to the old-fashioned pat down, folks. Sure, a few security guys get a little frisky with those metal-detector wands when they spot a pretty girl.
But better that than have every airline passenger in America get turned into a blue-movie star.