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I’m madder than a tomcat with his tail in a light socket over the bleeding-heart demand to outlaw capital punishment.

If our Founding Fathers didn’t believe we should fry killers and rapists like pieces of bacon, they wouldn’t have mentioned the electric chair in the Declaration of Independence, for crying out loud!

But if the whining, sniveling liberals want to stop these weekly executions of human cockroaches, then I’ve got a wonderful solution.

Let’s kill ‘em all once a year in electric bleachers!

You heard me right, folks. We could hot-wire portable bleachers like you see at Little League baseball games and zap up to 500 sex fiends, murderers, and crooked congressmen at the same time. Just file ‘em into these cheap seats at gunpoint, tell ‘em to have a seat, and hit the juice.

The thing would light up like a backyard bug zapper, by gum. It’ll sound like about 10,000 hamburger patties sizzling on the grill!

And let’s face it. The prissy, squealing liberals would only have to scream about capital punishment once a year instead of every damn day!

Legend has it that our late, great President Abe Lincoln ordered the first double electrocution in a crudely wired porch swing.

The device was effective if not efficient—it took nearly six hours on high before the two men accused of raping a young schoolmarm finally died.

“The meat just fell off the bones when they were pulled out of the electric swing,” said one eyewitness in a diary discovered some 20 years after the execution in 1883.

Our best Death Row statistics say there are over 3,309 of these human scum currently awaiting their one-way trip to Hell—if you get my drift. And their room and board is costing hardworking American taxpayers nearly 298 million dollars a year! So my electric bleachers is sounding better all the time—right, folks?