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QUIT BEING A SISSY AND GET RUDE


I’m madder than chair-tossing hoops coach Bobby Knight with road rage about a new survey I just read saying that Americans are too rude! Almost 80 percent of the pansies polled said that “lack of respect and courtesy” is a “major” problem in this country. Sixty-one percent of the whiners said that the situation has gotten “worse.” I’ll say it’s gotten worse, but what’s worse is the fact that most Jello-for-backbones bozos aren’t rude enough!

If you’re not rude, you lose — it’s a law of nature. Does Mr. Lion send a calling card asking Mrs. Antelope for her kind permission to make a meal out of her at 1:30 p.m. next Sunday? Does my mother-in-law call ahead to tell me she’s coming to stay for six weeks to make my life more of a living hell than it already is? No! But I don’t tell her she’s going to be sleeping in the garden shed and eating that ham and cheese casserole we’ve had in the fridge since early December, either!

Excuse me if I don’t say “excuse me” but rudeness is what made this country great! George Washington wasn’t only the Father of our Country — he was the original party crasher when he crossed the Delaware to bring more Christmas cheer to the Brits and Hessians.

And I don’t recall Truman phoning Tojo to let him know we were planning a belated Independence Day fireworks display in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I also don’t think we gave the Indians any formal notice that we were planning to rezone the continent for railroads, mining, indoor stadiums and riding mower outlet stores.

We just took what was ours and we’re better off for it — otherwise I’d be writing this column with a quill pen in Japanese, German or Sioux in some wooden stockade in New England while my wife spins scratchy wool to knit my underwear!

What we need is fewer charm schools and more rude schools and it’s starting with my Anger Aggression Academy that I’m setting up in my basement rec room. Here’s what you’ll learn at the Ed AAA:

How to get to the head of any line no matter how far back you begin. I’ll teach you the secrets to successful shoving and professional pushing, plus how to puke on demand to clear a space if nothing else works.

The secret of getting 34 items through a 9-items-or-less checkout counter.

Save money on napkins and cut your dishwashing time in half with Ed’s exclusive “That’s what your hands and T-shirt are for” dining tips. Plus, did you know it’s considered “polite” to belch and break wind in some countries? Learn how to just let it rip from both ends in the name of “cultural diversity.”

Advanced road rage — with an emphasis on cutting off cripples before they can grab those good parking spaces.

Firearm etiquette — the “Shoot First, Forget About the Stupid Questions” method developed by some of the finest, rudest cops in the nation.

Plus, if you sign up now, you’ll get a free copy of my book, Men are From Caves, The Rest of You Suck Eggs: Seven Secrets of Highly Successful Savages whenever I’m damn good and ready to finish writing it and give it to you.