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LYING & CHEATING MADE AMERICA GREAT


I’m madder than a schoolteacher with a rotten apple over the big hubbub about kids cheating in school. A government study that just came out says 70 percent – seven of 10 – high school students fessed up that they cheat on tests. And crybaby teachers say the real figure is probably much higher than 70 percent – and climbing every day. Thank heavens, I say!

It’s about time we got back to what made America great. Ever since President Nixon got caught telling some fibs back in the 1970s, Americans have been all tied up in knots trying to tell the truth all the time and never cheating or lying. And it’s killing our country, by jiminey.

Do you think great Americans like Teddy Roosevelt and Gen. George Patton worried about lying every time they talked to the troops before charging into battle? No way, Jose. And you know that famous picture of John Wayne raising the flag at Iwo Jima? That happened a week after the battle was over – it was all just a posed photo session. And what about the glorious old cheating scandals we used to have at West Point and the Air Force Academy? Back in those days, a great scandal like that would be front-page news for weeks at a time.

Nowadays people would be afraid to even mention it. Our biggest problem in this country is that we have too many dag-blamed rules in the first place. A man can’t drive down the street without being pulled over for having his seat belt buckled wrong or not yielding to a school bus when approaching a six-way intersection or something stupid like that.

Back in the Bible days, even God needed only 10 rules. And according to my preacher, some of those commandments, like the one about not casting the first stone, aren’t really that important if you don’t get caught breaking them.

Americans have a long and proud history of cheating. What do you think the Boston Tea Party and the Revolutionary War were all about? Our forefathers were fed up with all the stupid rules the King of England was shoving down their throats. Remember when George Washington said he couldn’t tell a lie about cutting down the cherry tree? Well, that whole cherry-tree story was a big fat lie that George made up to trick folks into thinking he was super honest.

In some countries, you know, cheating is a national sport. I say if only 70 percent of kids are cheating in school, then we need to do something to teach the other 30 percent how to get on the bandwagon. Why not go all out and start cheating classes in our schools – beginning with the first grade, by gum.

Teach the future leaders of this great country how to get around the idiotic rules that seem to be multiplying faster than we can count ‘em. Start with teaching them the right way to fill out those pesky tax forms. I guarantee you that learning how to save a few bucks at tax time will prove a lot more valuable than learning that A plus B equals C in algebra or calculus.

And when we’re all cheating, our great nation will be back on the right track again. I guarantee it.