DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: MORE THAN FRIENDS

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…
Dude Dating with J-Train: More Than “Just Friends”
Q. I’ve been friends with a girl for a long time and I think I’m starting to want to be more than just friends. What do I do? – Ross Geller, NY, NY
Lets get one thing straight: if you say something, the relationship with your friend will be forever changed. So if you enjoy her friendship and you’re just a little horny (because this happens to be the only girl you speak with), then stick with the status quo. If, on the other hand, you really want to make this happen, then you need to move slowly on this. You can’t just have a hunch because when you say something she is going to have one of three answers and each of those answers have their own consequences:
Answer #1: Really?? I’ve never looked at you THAT way. I can’t imagine us as anything but friends.
Now you’re the creepy guy. Like, completely creepy. Right now, she’s actually recalling every nice moment the two of you ever shared and replacing the memory of ‘you’ with a lecherous, lying, pervert – and she’s not exactly wrong. Lets face it, you’ve hated all of her past boyfriends, and every conversation with her about potential suitors has ended with, ‘I just don’t think he’s right for you’. She’s even thought that maybe you’ve been masturbating to her Facebook pictures (and she’s right). You’ve been bluffing for the whole friendship and when you laid down your hand, you had a busted straight and she had a full house. Now you aren’t going back to the friendship you guys once had; you’re headed to a whole new place where you can’t be trusted to be in the apartment while she changes her clothes.
Answer #2: Really?!? I feel the same way, lets move in together, have babies, and tell everyone the story about how we finally ended up together until they puke blood.
Wow, lucky guy, right? Listen, it’s great that she likes you too, but you better be prepared that things are going to move fast. You can’t think that you guys are going to gently wade into the relationship pool – you already know everything about each other. As a matter of fact, the only thing that might change is sex. After a month she will want to know where you guys are moving; and after a year she will want to know why you want sex on a Thursday night, because she ‘already put on the flannel PJ’s’ and ‘it’s kind of cold in the apartment right now’ and her ‘retainer is in.’ Good luck buddy, and way to go on successfully removing the part of the relationship where she actually kind of has to try and impress you.
Answer #3: I need to think about this
This answer means one of two things: either she is going to come back to you with Answer Number one and all of its consequences (see above); or you guys go down the ‘give it a shot’ road. If she needed a week to ‘think about it’ then maybe this relationship is in trouble from the start. It will be awkward; as if you guys are just getting together for your kids, except the ‘kid’ in this scenario is your old friendship, and that ‘kid’ is super-dead. You might be able to salvage this, but you’ll need to give her some space – don’t pressure her, let her figure it out. In the meantime, go ahead and cozy up to those Facebook photos from her sophomore spring break in Acapulco.
Q. I’ve been friends with this guy and I’m starting to have feelings for him. How should I tell him? – Joanie Cunningham, Chicago, IL
Guys are animals. Guys are big, dumb, animals that love sex, farting and Jason Statham movies. If you’re a friend of ours, then we’ve already thought about sex with you. We only passed it up because either a) we never thought we had a chance to begin with, or b) we just weren’t attracted enough to make the effort. But if you open the relationship door with a guy friend, know that he will come bumbling through that door naked, condom already on. Understand that, for the longest time, he thought sex with you wasn’t possible, and that’s probably why your friendship worked so well – the waters weren’t muddied. Now, he’ll get whiplash from trying to wrap his head around the idea that he could have been having sex this whole time – and forget entirely that this has anything to do with a relationship. Mistakes will be made, sex will be confused for love, and your group of friends will be divided like a baseball card collection when the whole thing goes up in flames.
It’s a big moment – guy or girl – to say to your friend, ‘I like your personality, now I want to see your genitals.’ Your friendship will disappear, that much is sure, and the rest, who knows? You took a chance, take pride in that; a big, stupid, unlikely-to-pay-off chance that has completely alienated and annoyed all of your friends. Way to go.
You’re Welcome,
Train.


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