The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…
Dude Dating with J-Train: Before and After the Hookup
Q. I’ve gone on about five dates with a guy and we’ve had fun, hooked up, and things were seemingly going well. Now for the past couple of weeks his whole demeanor has changed a bit and I have no idea what’s going on. How do I know if he isn’t into it anymore? – Clarissa Darling, Apple Creek, OH
There never needed to be a whole book about why dudes “aren’t that into you” because men are easy to read. We’re like animals, we lie down when we are tired, we eat when we’re hungry, we cry at the end of Marley and Me, and we bang ugly chicks when we’re lonely. You’ll never hear a guy say: “I didn’t say I was tired because YOU NEVER ASKED”. Dudes let their actions speak for themselves and that’s why a lady will rarely get the long thought out email about how ‘those few dates were great, you were great; and in another world, another time we might share a love eternal and divine, but like a soldier lost at war, I got my blow job so…you know…I’m cool.’’ The whole convoluted mess of it is that you, fair reader, want most of all to be told you’re the one; but what you want almost as much is to hear nothing – so long as it let’s you live the lie. Men know this (and are cowards) so you’ll never hear the truth if it’s uncomfortable. It’s your job to compare and contrast his actions… Before Hookup (BH) and After Hookup (AH):
He’s Texting, BBMing, Smoke Signaling. Before the hook-up you should be getting a lot of texts but don’t go running to brag to your friends just yet. If you never hear his voice, you’re only a ’maybe’ at best. Hell, you might even be part of a mass text to all his prospects. If he doesn’t use your actual name in the text then stay leery and don’t buy the wedding dress just yet.
After the hook-up the flurry of texts may slow down but it shouldn’t be drastic. If the “R” symbol on the “Hey” you sent him has been sitting there on the Blackberry Messenger chat for about six hours until he responds with nothing but a ‘Yo’, then you got problems. If your “what’s your plan tonight” text on Friday afternoon is responded with a “hey my phone has been out of it, sorry” on a Sunday morning, then you better hope whoever else he’s been hooking up with is clean. So, yeah, don’t book the caterer for summer 2013.
The writing is literally on the wall – or phone – for this one. You need to honestly judge how his “virtual personality” has changed. If you’re waiting those six hours for the response then most likely he’s trying to let this thing “fizzle” out. If you want to see it flame out, then go ahead and keep texting. Otherwise stop. Stop texting. Stop BBMing. Stop sending doves with letters attached to them. Maybe there’s a chance if he starts wondering why YOU’RE not into HIM anymore.
The two of you found each other in whatever way it happened (Internet dating, bar pickup, set-up, casual encounters) and within a week you were on the first date; and then the second date came quickly after that. There was a weekend meet-up and some gentle and not so gentle petting occurred. Good signs, but don’t call your Grandmother to tell her ‘he’s the one’ yet – she’ll be dead soon (probably tomorrow) and she’ll push to see some nuptials before she dies that terrible, painful, untimely death in which her last thought of you is disappointment.
After the hook-up, if your meetings only occur during “AM” hours, like a 1 am meet-up followed by an 8 am awkward, bad breath, goodbye. Then you need to reevaluate the situation. Lets not confuse a crowded bar for a date. If it’s been a month since you guys have sat down in a restaurant then there’s a good chance that you guys have been meeting up after that Hog at the bar turned him down for late-night pizza. You’re second string for a guy who gives less pleasure than pizza. So, yeah, don’t start ending your emails with ‘Mrs.-his-last name’ and telling your friends you pulled the goalie because you’re sure that ‘once he sees the baby, he’ll know.’
Either keep getting your rocks off at 1 am (which is fine) or suggest going on a date (dinner or drinks). If he has an excuse, be honest with yourself and move on to the mechanical boyfriend in the top drawer. Maybe then your friends can stop talking about you behind your back.
Topic number one of young people on dates is what they do for work. You are going to get the full story of what this dude claims to do and you have to take him at his word. If he’s an accountant then you know the busy times, if he’s in finance then yes they do work late, if he’s out of work then I’m sure your dates at IHOP have been fun. The thing is you can judge what the average person’s work schedule is like by the first few dates.
There are ebbs and flows to a work schedule and how busy things can get but lets be serious here: work is the absolute easiest excuse in the book. He left early that Sunday morning because he had some work stuff going on (this could be true). Then that work stuff from Sunday started to take up that whole week. Or maybe you stayed at his place and he woke up early, put on a suit, and told you he has ‘a deposition to get to’ (you could’ve sworn he worked at Starbucks). Anyway, if it feels like a lie, it probably is. So, yeah, don’t start cutting off pieces of his hair in his sleep and weaving it into your pubes. Weirdo.
The easiest thing to do is to put the ball in his hands by saying, ‘when you’re ready to get together…’ which sounds to him like, ‘Some dude is going to be two-knuckles deep while you’re dealing with work’ which is totally gross, but that’s what he’s thinking. If he’s in, then he’ll make the time.
Basically, what I’m saying is relax. Don’t get mad and create some plan to kill him, dress up the corpse in a tuxedo and then have your cat preside over some bizarre, candlelit marriage ceremony sound-tracked by Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing”.. on repeat. See the change this guy has made, judge whether it’s positive or negative, and then find a new Dude to plan a fake wedding with.
Do you have dating questions for J-Train? … Email me!
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