DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN: NEW YEAR'S EVE

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!
From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover..
Dude Dating with J-Train: New Year’s Eve
Q. Train, trying to figure out New Year’s Eve. I’m a single guy looking to have fun but I’m also looking for that “special someone” to smooch (or bang) at midnight. Any ideas? – Ralph Furley, Santa Monica, CA
New Year’s Eve: Amateur Night. The night where every guy in the world drinks too much and tries to make a move on anything that can walk upright. The night where you stand with your new date, in the freezing cold, because old people stay out past 8 and you can’t get a cab. The night where you both sober up in a diner and realize each of you looked a lot better before – when her mascara wasn’t running; when he wasn’t trying to put the ‘loaded’ fries appetizer on top of his chicken parm sub. The night where, despite everything that was just mentioned, you end up sleeping with someone anyway (I mean literally “sleeping with” since your Dong is more numb than your leg after an hour on the pooper thanks to all of that champagne). It’s beautiful, it’s sad, it’s disappointing, and it’s New Year’s.  A game plan for New Year’s depends on your relationship status, here are some suggestions:
Single Guy
If you took a poll, you would find that the second most disappointing holiday for Single Americans under 30 is New Year’s Eve, right after Arbor Day. It lacks the peaceful nostalgia of Christmas, the fantasy fun of Halloween, and the singularly focused drunkenness of St. Patty’s; NYE tries to be all these things and ends up failing on every counts. So forget the hotel parties, the dinners, the fancy packages; too many couples, too many people trying too hard. Set your bar low and do what everyone forgets to on NYE: just have fun. Get three of your friends together, pick the cheapest bar package you can find and get after it. You can be sure to find something sprawled over one of the booths of your local dive bar to try and tongue. Use the night as an open mic for bar pickups, and if you fail, the bar will be so crowded you can find someone else to creep out. If you don’t get the girl, at least you’ll know which pick-up lines not to use in 2011. When you wake up with a smile on your face, your penis in your left hand, pizza in your right, and a funny hat on, you will thank me. Congratulations, you’re more knowledgeable about your pick-up prowess in 2011 then you were in 2010.
Dating A Few Months Guy
Big night for you. Gotta impress. Obviously you need to go to a place that’s a little nicer than that pig farm Single Guy (see above) and his bros are hanging around. This is a great night to show you know how to rock. Splurge for your tickets, somewhere with a little more exclusivity where you can actually get a decent drink in under an hour. Bring a group, and let her know that sex is out of the question for the night, because you plan on not feeling anything from the waist down – except when you hit that dance floor. Again, make NYE about your own fun, and everyone else will follow suit. I know you just started dating, but the more you self-consciously worry about whether she’s having a good time, the less fun you’ll both have. And then, of course, make New Years day a better than average Sunday, with brunch, a couple mimosas, and maybe even some gentle petting. Of your penis.
Long Term Relationship Guy
You’re much fatter than you were a year ago when you guys first got together, so forget about an upscale package where you need to dress up. Those clothes stopped fitting months ago. Get a bunch of couples together for a dinner at an OK restaurant (at least you’re doing what you now do best: eating) – most places will offer a decent prix fixe for $75 – $100. The beauty of this is you can still feel like you’re a part of the NYE celebration – you’re out, you’re drinking – but you’re not herded into a cheesy bar package where you have to shout to have a conversation.
Let the wine flow and see where this leads. Who knows if your friends are the types to get a little weird? You could end up in a risqué game of Pictionary later where somehow, you’re touching a boob that isn’t your girlfriends and she’s touching an ass that isn’t 30 pounds heavier than last year. Everybody wins.
Basically Married Guy (And you know who you are)
Nights like these have no use for you. You’ll just sit in the corner anyway, talking about what it was like to be young and what 401k contributions you make. Stay in and write your vows. Maybe get a jump on your taxes. Maybe catch up on the last few episodes of Bones that you DVR’d. I don’t know. Shut up. No one cares.
Bottom line, its New Year’s; don’t try to make it something it isn’t. Treat it as another night out, just one where you’re willing to spend a little more. HAVE SOME FUN, and if you can find yourself a light-up dance floor – well, friend, 2011 is going to be a great year. I hope it starts with a bang (and I mean sex).
You’re welcome,
Train


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