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DUDE DATING WITH J-TRAIN


The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train

Q. J-Train, I have a big first date coming up. I really want to show the girl a good time but at the same time I don’t want to drop too much money. What can I do? – Ned Shvitzer; Arlington, VA

A. Ned, I hear you. The first date is a bit stressful and you don’t want to look like a chump; it’s like a two way job interview for the kind of work that involves drunken nudity and – if you’re lucky – a few apologies. At the end of the night, the only male applicants that get this job are, for lack of a better term, the ‘studs.’ Now, what I mean by ‘stud’ here isn’t pulling up in your Ducati and handing the valet a crisp hundred-dollar bill. What I mean is presenting yourself as a man who’s confident; the kind of guy that not only sits and listens, but also speaks assuredly about who they are and what they want (and not without a healthy dose of self-deprecation). That’s not to say money isn’t important, but luckily the first date doesn’t require it – especially if you use my foolproof, time-tested, stud-molding first date spot: The Wine Bar. Oh yes. And there are three very important reasons for this.

The first, and most crucial, is Time. There is no more perfect dating hourglass than a bottle of wine: a regular sized bottle gives you about 4 healthy pours, which equates to somewhere between sixty and ninety minutes.  When the bottle ends so does the date. If conversation decreases, drinking increases and vice-versa, meaning bad dates are over faster and good dates keep going. If you think you like her, order a red wine; the bold flavors and tannins (the things that make your tongue feel dry – like the morning after a good drunk) make you drink slower. If she’s wearing a Nickelback t-shirt, order a white: the acidity in Pinot Grigio and Sauvignon Blanc create the illusion of thirst and make you drink faster. If you want the date to end immediately, order a White Zinfandel. Oh and one very important rule: a stud always ends the date after the bottle is done.  You aren’t that interesting, so unless things are about to get weird and she’s ready to do the bone-dance, thank her for the evening and take off.  The first rule of showbiz and dating: ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’

Reason #2 for a Wine Bar? Space. Wine Bars are almost universally cozy, classy, dimly lit corners filled with the rumble of intimate conversation. A true stud would never take a first date to the movies and sit awkwardly silent next to each other, wondering who is going to take over the armrest. And a true stud wouldn’t take a first date to his bartender buddy’s bar to shout in her ear so as to get in a few words over the loud drunk sitting to the right. A true stud believes in the power of his conversation and his ease with the opposite sex.

‘But J-Train,’ you ask, ‘you haven’t even mentioned keeping it cheap! Isn’t wine expensive?’  Actually, for the purpose it serves, no.  A bottle of wine, with all its trappings of class, will run you around $35, less than a meal and drinks for two at Applebees. If you’re a guy reading this thinking, ‘$35?!’ then you aren’t ready to date. Go chug some cheap vodka before going to the bars and find whatever lady is too drunk to realize that you pedaled her home on your handlebars. Look at it this way, if you went to a Cocktail Bar that had the niceties of a Wine Bar then each cocktail would run about 8 dollars. That’s a total of 48 dollars if you both have three drinks. The Wine Date saves you money if you’re ready to be a man and go on an actual date.

Listen, the first wine was fermented nearly 4500 years ago in order for some proto-human civilization to keep multiplying. And I’m pretty sure that you, dear reader, have parents that managed to polish off a bottle before managing to accidentally make you.  Why mess with the most time-tested and proven method in the world?  Be a stud; keep it timely, classy, and, of course, cheap.  Take her to a Wine Bar.

You’re welcome,

Train.

Want more J-Train? … Email me!