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Couple Attacked by Goldfish!


BOSTON, Mass. — Last month, following a lovely dinner at Japaneteria, David and Jane Bennett were celebrating their honeymoon in the middle of Weller Lagoon when David’s amorous advances became a little more than the boat could handle.

“It was a moonlit night and I was feeling very ‘in the moment,'” said David. “I grabbed Jane and moved in to kiss her. She became startled and recoiled, tipping the boat and sending us both into the water.”

If Weller Lagoon had been an ordinary pond, the couple’s unscheduled swim might have been amusing. “But it was a goldfish pond,” said David with a shudder. “There were thousands of them, which is why we chose it.” It took five minutes for the Bennetts to extricate themselves from the water.

“During that time we were enveloped in goldfish,” said David. “They got in my shirt, my shoes and my pants. In the light of the full moon, I glimpsed their soulless, little eyes rushing past me, felt their puckered lips sucking on my skin. On top of that, Jane was screaming something about drowning. It was horrible for me.”

David later found out that it was worse for his wife. “I had my eyes tightly shut but I felt their slimy, fast-moving bodies squirming all around me,” said Jane. “While I was shrieking one goldfish swam into my mouth. I swallowed it. I think I’ll always feel it wriggling down my throat like — well, like a goldfish.”

After pulling themselves from the pond, David and Jane stumbled to the boathouse where they collapsed from fatigue and shock. “We’ve been in intense therapy since the incident,” said David. “We’ll obviously be avoiding ponds, boats, parks, pools and even baths.

“And, of course, it’ll be a while before we have sushi again.”