WERNERSVILLE, PA – As the media attention grows surrounding allegations of infidelity, Jon and Kate Gosselin have asked for professional help from PhD Ape!
“I’ve actually been a fan of the show for a long time,” PhD Ape told reporters camped outside of the Gosselin’s mansion compound in rural Pennsylvania. “I was flipping channels one night and happened upon TLC. I see all these little children running around, and two frantic parents just trying to keep up.”
“When little Leah walks up to the camera and tells the audience that Hannah pooped in her ‘unnah-wears’, I was hooked!”
“I actually reached out to Jon and Kate during their second season, not that they seemed to be having problems, but just letting them know about my services and experience working with celebrities.”
Now a few years later, the Gosselin’s have reached out to PhD Ape.
For the past several weeks, the famous parents have been battling allegations of infidelity on the part of Jon with a young schoolteacher, and claims that Jon has actually been estranged from the family for weeks at a time, living with his mother in a nearby town.
While the brother of the teacher has verified the claims, Jon and Kate have adamantly denied them, while confirming turmoil in their relationship.
More recently, allegations have emerged that Kate has begun a torrid love-affair with her silver-haired bodyguard who accompanies Kate whenever she leaves the house. Kate and her bodyguard have spent a great deal of time away from the family while on her book tours, promoting her non-fiction work that details the grueling life of a mother of eight.
“I’ve always said that the two most difficult jobs in the world are being a parent, and being a celebrity,” PhD Ape said. “Just imagine how difficult that makes it to be a celebrity because you are a parent!”
“Without their children, Jon and Kate would not be famous, so the need to stay together, to work through these difficult times for the sake of their children and their status, is essential.”
“I’ll be spending at least the weekend, perhaps through Memorial Day, with the Gosselins, getting to know John and Kate, as well as Maddy, Kara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Colin, and of course little bespectacled Aaden.”
“Jon was very young when he married Kate, only 22, by the time he was 27 he was the father of eight. When I turned 27 I was still sewing my wild oats and just starting a drug-fueled romp through Grad School. You can’t blame him for having wandering eyes, but it’s how he deals with it now that counts.”
“We’ve all seen the show, we know Kate isn’t perfect. She is shrewd and overbearing at times but we’re here to work through this and come out on top for the sake of the children. Those adorable little goldmines that may not be adorable forever.”