WASHINGTON, DC – The Swine Flu epidemic has reached the United States. This new mutated strand of influenza starts as a normal flu, then turns people into pigs.
The world is in the grip of fear over an outbreak of a new Swine Flu. A previous strain affected pigs by making them grow enormous and vicious. This flu has since mutated, mixing with human and avian viruses, to create a new and more dangerous Swine Flu. This flu begins with typical symptoms, such as sneezing fever and lethargy, but soon makes humans grow larger and more angry. Then, by the first full moon, sufferers turn into mutated pigs!
The Center for Disease Control is looking to contain the outbreak and pictures of its effects. “The biggest threat right now is panic,” said CDC spokesman Thomas Belding. “With proper care, the mutated Swine Flu is treatable.”
Cases of flu-produced werepigs have been confirmed in Canada, Mexico, New Zealand, Spain, and the United States. So far 20 cases have been reported total in the US.
Eight New York City school children have been infected. The first symptoms were noticed when the children ate their lunch by diving face first into their plates. This tipped off school officials who reported the children to the CDC. The children were apprehended by government agents at recess, lured into black vans by repeated calls of “Souuuuiiiee, Souuuuiiiieee!!”
Theories suggest that the mutational capacity of this virus may have originated as a government project. Some sources believe that a virus designed to rewrite DNA to create super soldiers was accidentally released and then mixed with other existing influenza viruses; however there is currently no evidence to support such a claim.
Governments around the world are scrambling to stem a global pandemic. EU countries are discouraging non-essential travel to North America, this time for reasons other then being pretentious. The White House is considering a “Leave Room for Jesus” policy on interpersonal proximity in public. Media are being refused access to afflicted areas and hospitals.
Weekly World News has obtained leaked footage of an outbreak in rural New Zealand:
The new Swine Flu can be spread by coughing, sneezing, or being bit by another werepig. Health officials suggest washing hands often, avoiding public places, and staying indoors during the full moon to help contain the spread of this disease.
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April 27th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
lmao
April 27th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
YES! The Weekly World News is BACK! Got to love it!
April 28th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Of course, many of us are already carriers. With all our naked, sweaty…oh, wrong topic.
The pandemic is coming, lots will go wrong, yada yada yada
April 28th, 2009 at 7:34 am
As someone closer to Mexico than most, I am very concerned. The already pigheaded men in my area are at a greater risk for permanent transformation.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:21 am
lol, thats funny. But i don't think they should be making a joke out of something that's serious.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
is this true?
April 28th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
narf
April 29th, 2009 at 4:00 am
I think my wife got swine flu on our honeymoon in Mexico. The second we stepped off the plane when we got back home, she turned into a PIG!!!
April 29th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
omg wtf whats going to happen now
April 30th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
there is not a world anymore
May 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 am
Don't health officials also recommend sneezing into your own armpits when you have to cough or sneeze?
May 4th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
This website is so stupid. I mean seriously, we aint turning into no deggum pigs omg. Get a grip people. The swine is a contagious flu symptom disease and is not going turn anyone into a pig.
May 4th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
pray to God about it and he will help.
May 4th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
turnz u into a pig if it duznt kill u 1st.
srisly ppl. swile flu iz most likly to kill u 1st. ur luky if it duz nether.
May 4th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
It's beginning HA HA HAAAAA
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
May 14th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
ha, im gonna use this for a heath class homework assignment.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Are you serious? If you really believe that this could be true you deserve to turn into a werepig.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Everyone knows it doesn't turn you into a pig. The story was written as a joke. Not to be taken seriously. Geez people. Get a sense of humor.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Notice the multiple nipples