CHIMP ATTACK FAMILY SEEKS COUNSEL

STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.

Travis, the chimpanzee, resided in a suburban home in Connecticut with his owner. Loved by local residents and usually well-behaved, the city was shocked to hear that Travis went berserk and viciously mauled a human. The owner attempted to save her friend by stabbing the chimp with a kitchen knife, but it took local cops shooting Travis to finally stop him.

Travis’ family are grief stricken, and have turned to PhD Ape, therapist to the stars and primate family counselor. He was so incensed by the event that he hosted an emergency TV special this morning on human-primate violence.

“Travis was a beloved son, brother and friend,” said PhD Ape to the audience. “To think that such a bright and happy chimp had his life end so horribly is devastating. How did this happen? Was it completely his fault? Today, we are here to honor Travis’ life by exploring the reality of when human and primate worlds collide.”

The program featured experts from across the board, including  zoo keepers, movie stunt chimps, Travis’  family and primate rights activists. Rocky, head of the NERFP, or New England chapter of Rights for Primates, stated, “Can we totally absolve Travis of his attack? Certainly not. We feel for the human who was attacked; she did not bring this on herself. But, what conditions was Travis kept in? What happened to make him react so violently to a passive woman? That is not inherent in our nature!”

PhD Ape nodded in agreement, and moved to conclude the show. “These are definitely questions that need answering. I am concerned on how the press is presenting our poor Travis. But in the days ahead, my fellow primates, we must not not continue the cycle of violence! I advise anyone out there who wishes to make a statement to do so in a peaceful, mindful manner. We can make our message heard.”

Bonobos have already begun arranging a peaceful protest outside of Stamford’s city hall. It is expected that at least 1,000 chimpanzees, monkeys and apes will descend upon the town to grieve together. They have been warned not to throw banana peels at passing cops.