NEW YORK, NY – Mr. Peanut was taken into custody this morning at his Upper West Side home. He was not allowed to comment, but officials say he is being charged with criminal negligence and involuntary manslaughter from the recent salmonella outbreak in peanut butter.
Mr. Peanut was born Charles MacGregor on an irradiated peanut farm in lower Appalachia. Being the deformed half-nut mutant in a poor family, his parents saw no problem selling him to the Planters Corporation at a young age. Since then he has become Executive Vice President of Quality Control while still functioning as the company mascot.
Mr. Peanut is believed to be at the source of the recent salmonella outbreak which has cost millions and claimed 7 human lives. Evidence points towards a contaminated top hat and monocle dropped in a vat of peanut butter being the cause of the contamination. Fellow workers have come forward saying Mr. Peanut likely dropped them into a peanut butter vat while entertaining one of his many mistresses.
There is no comment at this time from Mr. Peanut or his lawyers, but he is expected to make bail later this afternoon.