ALTURAS, CA – A frazzled, young government researcher says she’s sick and tired of caring for the baby Bigfoot who was captured by scientists – because the squalling, rambunctious furball is a brat!
“I thought being mom to a newborn Bigfoot would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity – but I had no idea what I was getting into,” admits zoologist Dr. Megan Dulowsky.
“The Bigfoot cub, whose name is Jethro, is a little monster. He’s bitten me dozens of times hard enough to draw blood; he’ll grab my hair and swing on it like an ape; if his formula isn’t exactly right, he’ll spit it in my face, and… and he throws poop at me!” she confessed, eyes welling with tears of frustration.
“He’s frighteningly strong – when a doctor tried to take his temperature, Jethro grabbed the man’s arm and broke it like a twig. To be frank, I just can’t take this anymore!”
The amazing cub first came to light in August, when a ranger revealed that he’d been found in Yellowstone National Park. The scientists needed someone to care for the furry newborn, who must be nursed from a bottle – and 31-year-old Dr. Dulowsky, who lives alone on a remote ranch outside Alturas, seemed like the natural choice.
“When they asked for a volunteer to look after Jethro, I jumped at the chance,” she said. But after two months of riding herd over the frisky creature, the lady scientist admits she’s ready to throw in the towel.
Dr. Dulowsky says she’s under strict orders from the Interior Department not to talk about the Bigfoot baby. But she felt violating the gag order was vital for Jethro’s welfare. “I cannot take care of Jethro, and neither can any other human,” she said.
“He should be returned to his natural mom as soon as possible!”
Have you seen Big Momma? E-mail Sarah Haddad at email@example.com and let us know!