Washington, DC – The nation’s undead community is demanding the right to health insurance—and it is a battle it can win, say experts.
“We can’t issue health insurance to people who are technically not alive,” says one insurance industry spokesman. “But there is a possibility that we can provide undead plans, especially if the insured are nonsmokers.”
However, the government is firmly against the move.
A Capitol Hill insider says when insurance for vampires, werewolves and other undead species was mentioned to President Bush, he said it was “like a stake through his heart,” especially with Democratic members of Congress calling for the establishment of a Department of Undead Affairs.
“Aren’t the undead susceptible to their own weaknesses, like garlic and holy water?” asks one Democratic congresswoman. “Surely they have a right to insurance like everyone else.”
Both presidential candidates have been asked for their opinion on undead health insurance at recent rallies. Senator Obama responded, “I would be more than happy to discuss undead coverage in the future, once we’ve sorted out the living first.”
Senator McCain was less supportive. “When I become President, I am seriously considering putting a spending freeze on everything except defense and the caring of our veterans. Undead insurance is not exactly at the top of my list,” he snickered.
Vampire spokesman Anton Dreisch told Weekly World News: “I believe President Bush and Senator McCain have declared war on vampires and other members of the undead because they don’t think we’re part of their constituency. A number of us are Republicans. It’s not like we died and came back to life with different politics. That would be absurd!”
“Big Washington needs to think really hard about what they’re getting themselves into if we are denied. We literally have all the time in the world to fight for this.”