WASHINGTON D.C. – Half of America declared a Snow Day on Wednesday. Yetis were spotted all along the east coast.
Wednesday brought a blizzard that blanketed most of the east coast in over a foot of snow. Washington DC, New York City, and the entire state of Virginia declared a Snow Day and shut down business. With entire populations out enjoying the snow a surprising number of Yetis were sighted.
Known also as Abominable Snow Men, Yetis are the reclusive snowbound cousin to the more common Sasquatch, or Bigfoot. In cities and towns across the eastern seaboard these elusive creatures were sighted by curious children and frightened adults. 911 operators were inundated with calls reporting the mythic creatures looking through dumpsters and loitering outside of stores. Emergency services would give advice but refused to go out because it was too cold. “If nobody’s hurt, then I’m staying here with my hot cocoa!” said one anonymous ambulance driver. In Athens, GA, several college students chanced upon a frightened Yeti and fed it some of their brownies. Shortly thereafter the creature calmed down and they were able to braid its hair and teach it to join a drum circle.
“The Yeti is a profoundly gentle creature” said Dr. Stephen Morley, a Cryptozoologist with Penn State University. “They are accustomed to their very sheltered mountain habitat. It is most likely they were brought down by the blizzard, simply exploring new territory that was habitable to them. Now they’re just confused and trying to find acclimate to a new environment. That anyone would hunt or mistreat them is morally reprehensible.” However some residents have very different response to the creatures.
“Dang near took my arm off!” said Eileen Troubador, a convenience store owner from Kentucky. “He came round here, rootin’ through my trash. I called animal services, but they was already dealing with a herd or pack or whatever ya call ’em that had made a nest down by the high school. So I went out with a broom to try an’ shoo ‘im away. Well he came at me quicker’n you could spit and thank the Lord my son had a gun cause he scared the critter away. Grabbed the breakfast burrito outta my hand an ran off into the bushes.”
Across the country snow day vandalism is being blamed on yetis. Further inspection typically proves it was the work of destructive adolescents. Though a Yeti could easily break a window and steal snack cakes, they are less likely to have spray-painted “Weiner” on the walls.
These false claims of violence have led to Yeti hunting parties throughout the south-eastern US. Using their day off to enjoy some recreational hunting groups of men patrolled their towns and nearby forests for the rare creatures. No Yetis have been hurt, but 14 hunters have been shot by alcohol influenced friendly fire incidents. Jake Morelli of Allachua County, VA, shot what he thought was a Yeti while sitting on the toilet in his double-wide home. It turned out to be aparticularly hairy neighbor who had been locked out of his house naked for throwing away his wife’s Nascar slash fiction. He is in stable condition and is expected make a full recovery.