LOS ANGELES, CA – Pat Robertson said that Haiti’s catastrophic earthquake was caused by the Devil. The Devil says, “I had nothing to do with it!”
On Wednesday Televangelist Pat Robertson said that Haiti suffered a massive earthquake earlier this week because of a deal with the Devil. He said that years ago “they were under the heel of the French. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal.” The Devil has since come forward to deny these claims.
Satan, crowned Prince of Darkness, held a press conference last night to deny Pat Robertson’s accusations. Flanked by a team of lawyers the Devil spoke at a conference room in the Los Angeles Hyatt. “I had Nothing to do with that earthquake! Sometimes things just happen in the physical world, without any reason or spiritual intervention. I never made a pact with the entire country of Haiti! That’s absurd!
“If Pat Robertson wants to say otherwise, then where’s his proof? He has no proof! He’s just a mean old bigot who will look at someone else’s suffering and say they deserved it because they made a deal with me. I had nothing to do with it!” The Devil stepped aside to regain his composure.
One of Satan’s many lawyers then came forward to complete the statement. “My client has come forward to deny these slanderous accusations by Pat Robertson. At no point in time did he, or any representative of Hell, make a deal with the country of Haiti. Our database has no record of any such contract. In fact any investigation into our practices will reveal that all deals with the Devil are made on an individual basis. Also my client has an alibi. Four priests and a midwife will swear that he was possessing a ten year old Ecuadorean boy at the time of the earthquake. These baseless accusations amount to nothing more than a smear campaign that Mr. Robertson has waged against my client.”
The Devil will be filing suit against Pat Robertson for slander, defamation of character, and emotional duress.